DROPPED

I pinned the following letter to my Police Chief regarding my son. I am so sad my city let me down.

May 12, 2010

Mr. Jimmy Perdue

Police Chief of North Richland Hills, Texas

RE: Missing Persons

Dear Mr. Perdue,

It is with great sadness I am writing you this email. On Saturday, May 9, 2010, after much debate and prayer, I filed a missing person report for my son as I knew in my heart he was not in a good place. He had been to the emergency room on May 4, 2010, and was not doing well health wise. After looking myself, contacting his friends, etc. I decided to file a report with my Police Department.

The Officer who came and took the report was very efficient. He explained protocol to me etc. After much discussion it was decided a report would be filed. At 4:23 am I received a phone call my son had been located. He is 25, so under your protocol I was allowed no further information.

I knew something was wrong, I am a mother. I want you to ask your mother at what age she is no longer your “mother”. Believe me Sir, there is no age.

I again began looking myself and by Monday morning at 7:00 am I had located him through friends and another police department, OUT OF STATE! How sad is that. I live in one of the finest Cities in the Metroplex and the city I have grown to know and love dropped the ball on me…right on my heart.

I had to call the paramedics to transport my son to the hospital because, like my heart had been telling me…something WAS VERY WRONG! He is now in the hospital.

When I was able to speak to him, I asked him about his visit from the North Richland Hills Police. He said he cracked the door, they asked is he was Bobby, asked for ID, he obtained the ID and they left. If they would have asked him to open the door or if they would have gone in, it would have been VERY obvious things were not as they should be and he was in need of medical attention.

You all have no problem asking to come into our homes if you think a criminal is in our home, if we are playing our music to loud, if we have been speeding down the street, etc. Which is fine, I will always open my home to the police as I have great respect for them. But you all need to think long and hard about when a mother calls you knowing something is amiss with her child and you brush her off as being “over protective”. I was very open and honest with the officer, giving him any information I could think of both good and bad. I knew my son was ill and I expressed that to the officer, the crack of a door was just not enough in this case, you all dropped the ball!

I know you have protocol, I am a smart educated woman and I respect that, but you all need to look into your protocol and make sure it is fitting the needs of the residents of our great city. After all, this is “OUR CITY”.

I love The City of North Richland Hills, it is a wonderful place to live, the police and fire departments are far superior to those around us. I feel safe and I know this is a place my children feel safe. Those feelings have not changed. What has changed, is how I feel about the way you handle “family” situations. The police department which I felt respected me and was here to help me, has now left me with many questions, “Are they really here for me? Do they really want to have to do paper work on something they do not see as important, and who gets to decide who is more important than someone else”? It should not be a pick and choose situation and you and I both now at times it is.

I have several family members who are in law enforcement and I know that if one of your officers would have been concerned about their friend or family member, things would have been handled a lot different. This is not my first rodeo. You need to be sure all residents of North Richland Hills get the same “special” treatment you provide to your officers, fire department members and employees of our city. No ones life is more valuable than another. If the reality be known, most citizens would be appalled at how different a “citizen” is treated than that of “one of your own”.

And for the record… A Mother NEVER stops being a mother…that’s why God gave one to everyone!

Regards,

Dotti Fuentez

North Richland Hills, TX

cc: Mayor Treveno

Mike Young

May 12, 2010 0

THEN…

I often wonder about the people in my past. What are they doing? How has life treated them, etc. I am one of those people who likes to keep up with people, I hold them in my heart, I wonder about them, I wish the best for them etc. I have been lucky in the fact I have been able to keep up with those I hold dear as I have not moved often and I am relentless in finding out about the ones I care about, to the point, I could work for the Governement…If I want to, I can find you! I have been blessed with so many dear friends in my life. I cherish them, I pray for them, I hope for them and dream big dreams for them. I try to really stay in contact, know what is going on with them. It is important to my being to know everyone is ok and doing well.

I had a friend who was like a sister to me. We lived just a stones throw from one another growing up and spent day in and day out at one another’s homes. Over the years we were always in touch, always knew this and that about one another even though our lives had taken on very different paths. She had kids who I grew to love and felt a closeness to them I can not explain. She moved to my town and I grew ever so close to her children. I felt like they had been in my life all along, even though this is the first time to live near one another in their lives. They were in my life daily. We celebrated birthdays together in my backyard, we went to see movies together, etc. I loved them unconditionally, I felt like they were a part of my family. I saw them through good times and I watched as they trenched through some really rough times.

As time went on, things were not well in their home. I tended to the children along with some great help from my parents and my best friend. We took care of them, loved them, fed them. and….at the same time began to learn that things at home were not as they should be. When you are handed this information, and it is someone you love, you tend to make excuses and try to smooth over the situation. I do believe it is human nature to try to protect what you love. But it came to a crossroads where I began to question her ability as a parent. It started out questioning the little things and as I questioned the little things I began to uncover big ugly scary things. Things kids should not have to deal with. This is when things got tricky…

I tried to gently ease a conversation about my concerns and I was met with a venom that had fury, fire and hate all wound in it. I was shocked, not afraid, but shocked. I was met with what I felt was a disdain I could not shake nor could I bundle myself up and battle through. There was History and some of the History was not good. Some of the History was such I didn’t want to dabble in as it was old, it hurt, it was dark and it was over. Let it lay is how I felt. But deep in my heart, I knew this was not going to lay, this was a roaring fire that was not going to burn out. It finally came to the point I felt like the children were not being taken care of to my standards and by this point sad to say I had really lowered the standard of what I felt was right as I loved their mom so dearly and caught myself again making excuses for the poor care these precious children were receiving. I found myself picking up the slack, trying to make things right. I’m here to tell you when things aren’t right with a mother, things can’t be fixed by a friend. As a friend, no matter the love you have, no matter the faith you bear, you can’t make up for mom.

I knew their dad, we had been friends, but under no uncertain terms was I ever to contact him regarding his children. I had been rattled off a story that was so surreal yet it was so convincing and I felt my loyalty to my dear friend. But, I just didn’t feel comfortable. If I were to contact their father and he were to reject what I said that was his choice, but I would know in my heart I had done the right thing. I talked to my nephew who was a Police Officer here in my city where we all lived and he stressed to me that talking to their father would be so much better than “any authorities” getting involved. I told him briefly of the past, and some of my heart-felt concerns and he put the decision in my hands and left it to be my choice. I will forever be grateful to him, he really put himself out there as he was trusting in me to do the right thing, as his job was to report and take care of such a situation, he gave me the chance to make it better for the kids. He holds a dear place in my heart today. With the information he had he could have taken action at that moment and things would have turned out so different for these children. I am very thankful that he trusted me and knew in his heart of hearts I would do the right thing.

I don’t know exactly how it happened., I don’t remember the exact day, and I don’t remember what I said, but I called their father. I told him something had to be done and it was, immediately! He was worried about his kids he had no idea what was going on etc., but he knew it wasn’t good. I had no idea these children had a “mother” and father who wanted them, who longed for them and who believed and hung on to my every word. After that call I felt a peace I had not felt for months.

This meant the children would be moving far away from me and my contact with them would forever be changed, but I knew the love in my heart would never change. It had with stood a battle that had been going on since the day the children arrived here with their mother, I just was not on the front lines yet.

I am still friends with their mom. I love their step mother dearly and I am friends with their dad. The only thing that really changed was the kids have a much better life. This is when I learned the old saying, “don’t always follow your heart…use your head,” really has true meaning…

The kids are now in their teens and doing great. I try not to think back to what could have been, but every now and then I catch myself….and I don’t smile….but then I think of what is and my heart sings♥

April 26, 2010 1

WONDER

TODAY I WONDERED OUT LOUD, TO MYSELF, IN MY BIG WHITE CAR…WHO WOULD CARE FOR MY FAMILY IF I WAS NO LONGER HERE. THE PERSON WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT WOULD TAKE MY CHILDREN IS NOW DIVORCED AND I KNOW THAT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. IT MAKES ME A BIT SAD AS I KNOW MY MOTHER IS TO OLD, SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO CARE FOR HER AS I DO NOW. MY HUSBAND WOULD BE LOST AT FIRST, BUT HE WOULD MAKE HIS WAY…WOULD IT EVENTUALLY BE LIKE I WAS NEVER HERE? I PONDER THIS WITH DEEP THOUGHT.

SOME DAYS I FEEL OVER WHELMED AND I REALLY DON’T KNOW IF I CAN MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE DAY WITHOUT FALLING THRU A LARGE CRACK IN THE EARTH. IS THERE A CRACK BIG ENOUGH TO SWALLOW YOU UP AND IF THERE IS…CAN YOU BREATHE? I OFTEN WONDER WHEN AND WHERE MY LAST BREATH WILL BE, WILL JACK BE OKAY? WILL HE REMEMBER STILL WANTING TO SIT IN HIS MOMS LAP AT THE AGE OF 12? WILL BOBBY BE OKAY? WHO WILL HE CALL AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHEN HE NEEDS SOMETHING? WILL THERE BE THAT SOMEONE THERE FOR HIM? ERIC…WHO WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ERIC THE WAY I DO? NO ONE. I THINK I HAVE FOUND MY REASON FOR LIVING ON IN THIS BLOG…ERIC…HE REALLY NEEDS ME AND HIS LIFE WOULD NOT GO ON IF I WERE GONE. IT WOULD BE OUT OF CONTROL… AND HE WOULD BE SO CONFUSED HIS LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A TRAIN RUNNING OFF THE TRACK. HOW SELFISH OF ME TO LEAVE SOMEONE SO INNOCENT WITH NO DIRECTION WHEN I AM THE DIRECTION NO MATTER HOW FAULTED IT MAY BE.

I HAVE TO TAKE MYSELF BY THE BOOT STRAPS, STOP WORRYING MYSELF SICK ABOUT THINGS I CAN’T FIX, CHANGE OR MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I NEED TO NOT TAKE ON MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS THOUGHT…I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE ANOTHER THING. MY MIND IS RACING AT A PACE I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH. I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE AND DO NOTHING BUT SLEEP FOR A WEEK. IS THIS NORMAL?

CALGON CAN’T FIX THIS. IT IS MY BRAIN THAT NEEDS A BIG DOSE OF, “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH”…AND THEN I WILL MARCH ON LIKE THE GOOD SOLDIER I AM. ALTHOUGH BE IT A TAD BIT MORE CRAZY. WILL THE CRAZY EVER STOP? AS I LOOK BACK, I SEE HOW THE CRAZY HAS SLOWLY MADE IT’S WAY TO BE SUCH A BIG PART OF MY LIFE. SOME DAYS I FEEL STEADY, OTHERS I FEEL LIKE I AM TETTERING ON THE EDGE OF SOME UNKNOWN CLIFF…SOMEONE JUST PUSH ME…

April 11, 2010 2

Have you ever been in one of those situations where, you don’t really know me, I don’t really know you, but boy do I really know A LOT about you, and it’s not all good! It can be a lot of things, interesting, funny, sad, entertaining, disgusting, hurtful, etc.

When someone knows much more about you than you know about them, do you often wonder how they know so much about you and you so little about them? Let me give you a clue, YOU SHARE TO DAMN MUCH of all the wrong kind of information! We all want privacy in our lives, some things to be secret, but we are human and we like to vent, share, exchange information, etc., and that’s all great. But when you are doing hurtful things to other people, you are gonna get found out. Life is just that simple! Hard to believe right? Well, not really if you take a look around you.

Alls one must do to find information out about you is follow your trail and it will lead them right to your REAL TRUTH! Not the made up stuff you want us all to believe, blah blah blah, but your real nasty ugly truth! All that nasty, embarrassing stuff you expected to be kept secret, well it’s no secret anymore, it’s out there for the whole world to see! You must lead a good life for a good life to follow you. Try your best to be kind, considerate and think of others.

AND…don’t think jumping from person to person, pulling the same lame crap is going to work either, because guess what…EVERYONE is on to you. Well, everyone who is normal.

When you make a mistake, and EVERYONE makes mistakes, but, if you have been a good person and you have tried to be kind to others, people will lift you up and be there to dust you off. BUT, if you have not been ANY of the above, don’t expect there to be a parade lining up to try and make your life better, it’s just not gonna happen. I will say, people will feel sorry for you for being such a moron, but that’s about as much as you’re going to get!

We all need to think about what we do, how others feel about what we do and how we can try to be better people. That’s what the world needs, better people. Believe you me, look around, we have enough dumb asses to last an eternity! So let us all try to be kind and considerate to one another, think of how your words and actions will affect others, it’s not really hard and EVERY ONES life will be easier…that I can promise!

December 4, 2009 0

MEANING

It’s that time of year…stores are bustling, everyone is buying, your wallet is thin, your back account is thinner and everyone needs or wants something from you. We have two choices at this crossroads, do we give in to the utter insanity of what we Americans call “Holiday”, or do we go back to the true meaning of what this time of year is supposed to mean?

Go back… let us just ponder that for a moment…when Holiday meant family time, prayer, everyone telling what they are truly thankful for, games around the big table and lots of laughter, big sit down breakfast, tossing around a football in the front yard and pie, homemade yummy pie! When we cherished the time we spent together, took a drive, laughed out loud at memories past, looked at old photos, took family photos. Those are the things that made us smile.

Today, oh today, what a whirlwind we have upon us, like a tornado swirling 100 miles an hour, dumping the meal that was purchased at the local Target, smack dab in the middle of the kitchen, eat quick, we have to hit whatever store might be open on Thanksgiving, because who cares what store it is, we need to BUY something, after we carve and chow down as fast as we possibly can, the turkey, dressing and whatever else has made its way onto the buffet style line we are all rushing through. Oh you already stared eating, that’s ok, Dad, pray really quick, so no one else misses out on the score of one of the 100 football games on TV at this moment, while we are having our “Family Holiday”. Hurry and clean off this table, we need to spread out all the circulars from the paper so we can see what we need to buy tomorrow whether we can afford it or not. It’s “Black Friday” and I will be out there because if it’s on sale, I must need it, and if I don’t need it someone might get it, so I must have it! Oh, its loud and fun, but does it really have true meaning?

Do I really want to buy so much unneeded, not really wanted stuff, I put myself into debt so deep it will take me until summer to dig my way out…and then, I sink right back in, because EVERYONE is taking a really fun vacation and by golly my kids are going to a nasty Texas beach too! Who cares if they won’t get in it, it’s what everyone else is doing! When did we become these mongrels who have to have this, have to do that, have to see this, have to see that…she has it, I want it, but mine better be bigger. They are going so we better get to go, who cares if it’s not in our budget, our kids want it so by golly I will make it happen.

What are we really teaching our children? What are we really doing to the “family”…we are making everyone selfish, greedy and not very nice to be around. Myself included in this big mess of what we call Holiday.

So this year, if I see someone who needs, I want to help, if I know someone hurts, I want them to heal, and if I can teach my children one lesson from this, it is, you don’t need every game, video station, gun, Lego etc. You need human contact, you need to know and feel love. You need to feel the joy when you give to someone else. That’s what we need to feel is true joy and true joy comes from giving…

November 28, 2009 0

PUSH

There is really nothing “wrong” with me, but everything is “wrong”. I know, it makes no sense…I feel a turmoil rising inside of my being. It’s like a dark cloud in my chest trying to escape the body it has been trapped in. Rain, Rain…down came the rain pouring from my eyes, for no real reason, just because. I feel a pain deep inside my soul, my spirit, that I just can’t shake today. I am trying to move this herd which has settled inside of my heart, without medication, but the movement has not even started. I feel my throat choke when I think I have to take medication to move myself to a better place. This was not what I expected from my life. I am strong, I am, I know I am, but I am not strong enough for this beast.

Things that usually lift my soul, make me feel whole, make me smile and live my life out loud, are gone, taken from me by something I fear will become bigger than me. I know it’s not forever, but as I close my eyes and wish these things back, wish so hard my chest tightens and I feel a huge lump in my throat…nothing, nothing, nothing. It’s like when I try to make myself think “happy”, it simply, can’t….and then comes the rain, pouring from my eyes.

This happens in the snap of a finger. The change is like a wind blowing across my soul, picking up misery and dumping it into my head, in an instant a change in my atmosphere. I wish I could explain it to someone, then maybe I could grasp and understand it better myself. My mind will only think one train of thought, one emotion at a time. When did I get to this place? What happened to the whole person I used to be? I am but a shell of myself when my heart is tight like a rope, so tight it could be walked on and I could not feel one footstep.

My soul is not broken, my life is good, but this haunting which has set up house in my being has a hold on me. I just need to breath, to will it to let go so I can go back to being me. Being the person I love. I want to be a better me, but I am consumed with a feeling I have no control over. This is one of those times, prayer and God will see me through…and God will understand if it takes me a while, he will understand if I need a push. The thing is, I want to someday move on without a push.

November 9, 2009 3

MY

My best friend is Wonder Woman!

October 26, 2009 0

TREASURE

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I give to others. I strive to be the best Wife, Mother, Daughter and Friend I can be. I try to give of myself raw and filled with love. I have been blessed with a wonderful life, not always an easy life, but a wonderful life. My life is full…full of love, passion, laughter, tears, heartache, adventure and most of all JOY!

Every part of my life has true meaning to the person I am today. My parents adopting me oh so many years ago, my friends who helped me find myself while growing up, my church which gave me stability through the years, my husband who let me learn who I was and has loved me all along the way, my children who showed me love is unconditional and for always and forever.

I may not walk, talk and live the way I am expected to by others, but I do walk, talk and live like I expect me too. I want to be the best me I can be and I get a lot of help along the way from both family, old friends and new friends. One of the greatest things about my life is I never shy away from learning, I am not afraid to STEP OUT OF THE BOX if there is a lesson to be learned. I have no fear in introducing myself to people, therefore I have met some of the most interesting and fantastic people around. I have no fear in praising others. If someone does something well, I love to tell them, I love to see people beam with pride. Pride is a good thing, it can carry us during those lull times in life.

Laughter, it plays such a big part in my life. I love to laugh out loud! It makes your heart sing. Just talking, being silly and laughing is priceless and it is FREE! I have fun…I mean I truly have fun in my life. I may be quirky, different and talk to loud, but in all I do I strive to have fun, and I beam if those around me are having fun as well.

When someone hurts whether I know you well or not, I hurt…my soul truly feels your pain and I hope I can help others and just be THERE when they are hurting. I can’t always do anything, but my heart can be there and I am truly connected to my heart. My love is deep and heart felt.

I have suffered true heartbreak in my life. Heartbreak to the point the devastation was tearing at my soul piece by piece and I felt the blood drain as I tried to breath in the reality of what was happening to me. The most devastating heartbreak I have experienced in my life turned out to be one of the best things to happen in my life, it turned out to be the one thing that made me a better person.

When Eric was born and the Doctor said he would not live, I truly felt my heart break into a million little pieces and begin to make its way through my veins trying to find a way out of the shell of my body, my brain could not function, it could not possibly grasp what lay ahead for our family. As I sat on the hospital bed next to my husband trying to listen to instructions on where he was going etc., my brain broke and began to find it’s way into my veins looking for an escape just as my heart. I could not hold my child, I did not want to be connected to this being who was going to be taken from me. Oh, I LOVED him, I could not find the strength in my being to hold him and comfort him as I felt there was no comfort to be had…my husband was a pillar, he held him and never questioned why I felt the way I did.

My best friend, The Pope, had just given birth a few weeks before to a beautiful baby boy. She was basking in her joy and I had joy for her, until my baby was born, my joy went away and was replaced with envy. Yet daily she left her new baby at home, came to the hospital to hold me and just be THERE. She didn’t have to say anything, she knew my heart was broken and there was no fixing it, she planted herself there to be my strength. As I look back I can not imagine how she felt leaving her newborn to be with me…she was selfless.

When anyone told me it was going to be “okay”, I knew in my heart my life as I knew it was never going to be “okay”. Little did I know it was going to be BETTER and it would set me on a journey to having a wonderful life, with wonderful people and knowledge beyond my wildest dreams. Life handed me a gift and when I finally felt strong enough to embrace the gift and open it, it changed me! It made me understand the true meaning of being unselfish,non judgemental, and to love truly unconditional with no expectations in return. I never dreamed I would know the love I know today.

Each journey we embark on will lead us to a treasure if we just take our time and reach that destiny and embrace it. You may have to patch your heart and soul along the way, but in the end when the patching is finished you have created a better heart and soul and added new pieces.

October 19, 2009 2

BEST

I have the perfect best friend…we are perfect for one another, yet we are very different. I have known The Pope since I was born, as we were born into the same nursery at church. My aunt and her mother were very close friends so we always had a connection. In the fifth grade she moved out to the Fair of Acres where I had lived my entire life. My aunt said to me one day on our way to Sonic, cause she was cool like that, “The Pope is moving out here, I hope you two become close friends”…and the rest is History.

From the first day of fifth grade we have been connected with a bond that one can not describe. We love each other deeply and truly care about each other. We spend countless hours together to this day and we always smile. Even when one of us is on the verge or has crossed over the verge of loosing it, we are there for each other, no questions asked.

Yet, we are as different as two people could be. Here are just a few of our differences which stand out in my mind…

The Pope is drop dead stunning gorgeous…I am average at best.

The Pope dresses with utter class…I wear converse and boyfriend jeans all cut up.

The Pope is classy in her walk, her talk, her movements, etc. I am more of an agressive type in all I do. I talk loud, say what I’m thinking etc.

The Pope is shy but very intuitive of others, she may not talk all the time, but she always knows what’s going on around her. Me, I’m to busy talking to know anything about what is going on around me.

The Pope has a way of making you feel good even when you do not believe it is possible to feel good at that moment. The way she does it, can not be explained.

The Pope thinks before she speaks and has tried on numerous occasions to teach me this talent..I have yet to learn, but she loves me anyway.

The Pope never ever flies off the handle, I don’t even have a handle anymore!

The Pope has great patience, while I am very irratic. She keeps me grounded in reality.

The Pope is Conservative and I am Liberal, but we get along great and we agree on most things, and if we don’t it is simply no big deal.

I know her, I love her, she makes me smile, she makes me a better me!

The Pope…Dotti’s best friend forever and I mean it from the bottom of my crazy mad heart!

September 8, 2009 3

DRIP

Those times in life when the right thing to do ripes your heart out by the last vessel and hands it to you with blood still trickling down your arm…I’ve had one of those weeks. My insides are torn, my outside is looking for a smile and my heart is not only been dislodged from my body, it is shattered into one million pieces. As I stand looking at the mess that has been made, I wonder when it will all be back in order and find it’s way back to it’s stable home called me.

Sometimes the right thing to do, is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I hope this is it for me, I was not made to have to deal with circumstances “beyond my control”. I was made to control circumstances and grasp and hold onto them and make sure they all get in line and line up straight. When they don’t, my life is off kilter. The puddle I now stand in reminds me of rain, but it’s not rain, it is the tears falling not only from my eyes, but from my heart.

August 12, 2009 0