LOST

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

  • Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

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SIX

Six years…
It's hard to believe. I remember the day so vividly. I remember exactly what I was wearing, exactly where I was…the exact moment…
My life forever changed.
I was not prepared to lose my child. It has knocked the life out of me. I have found myself questioning so many things, everything.
My joy has been abducted. I search and search for it. Vanished….
I can feel my heart beat, my mind rushes with emotion. I have to remind myself, "Breathe, just breath". Some days I don't want to breathe, I want to just hold my breath until my heart calms…
I realize calm is so so far away.
Raindrops fall from my eyes…
Death is forever and forever is a long long time…
Forever I will love you my first born son…

9/11

I remember this day so vividly in my mind.   I was panicked.  Never ForgerI had never been afraid in my country. On this day I was truly afraid. Evil changed my country FOREVER…

GOD BLESS THE USA

THIRTY

I celebrated my son’s 30th birthday without him. My heart aches. My soul spins. My mind is numb. He’s gone. I feel a void so deep there are no words. 

The reality, my reality… I will spend the rest of my life without him…

i love you forever

BE

My heart is tired. My soul is broken. Finding my way back has been a challenge I’m not sure I’m up too. I just want to “be”. In the grand scheme of things, if there is such, I would like to be directed to a road less traveled. I want a destination where you can see the end. I want a light at the end of the tunnel. I want everyday to be the same. I want to celebrate nothing, I just want to “be”…. Out of the darkness into the light… 

 

 

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