PUSH

There is really nothing “wrong” with me, but everything is “wrong”.  I know, it makes no sense…I feel a turmoil rising inside of my being.  It’s like a dark cloud in my chest trying to escape the body it has been trapped in.   Rain, Rain…down came the rain pouring from my eyes,  for no real reason, just because.   I feel a pain deep inside my soul, my spirit,  that I just can’t shake today.  I am trying to move this herd which has settled inside of my heart,  without medication, but the movement has not even started.  I feel my throat choke when I think I have to take medication to move myself to a better place.  This was not what I expected from my life.  I am strong, I am, I know I am, but I am not strong enough for this beast.

Things that usually lift my soul, make me feel whole, make me smile and live my life out loud,  are gone, taken from me by something I fear will become bigger than me.  I know it’s not forever, but as I close my eyes and wish these things back, wish so hard my chest tightens and I feel a huge lump in my throat…nothing, nothing, nothing.  It’s like when I try to make myself think “happy”, it simply,  can’t….and then comes the rain, pouring  from my eyes. 

This happens in the snap of a finger. The change is like a wind blowing across my soul, picking up misery and dumping it into my head, in an instant a change in my atmosphere.   I wish I could explain it to someone, then maybe I could grasp and understand it better myself.  My mind will only think one train of thought, one emotion at a time.  When did I get to this place?  What happened to the whole person I used to be?MEEEE  I am but a shell of myself when my heart is tight like a rope, so tight it could be walked on and I could not feel one footstep. 

My soul is not broken, my life is good, but this haunting which has set up house in my being has a hold on me.  I just need to breath, to will it to let go so I can go back to being me.  Being the person I love.  I want to be a better me, but I am consumed with a feeling I have no control over.  This is one of those times, prayer and God will see me through…and God will understand if it takes me a while, he will understand if I need a push.  The thing is, I want to someday move on without a push.

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Categories: me

3 thoughts on “PUSH

  1. “This being human is a guest house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meaness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whomever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.” (Jalal ad-Din Rumi)

    Dotti – I think recognizing that you someday don’t want to need God’s push is the sign that you will surely get to that point… the recognition of that desire, I think, should be seen as a great sign of hope.

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