ALIVE

It’s a hard fight. Very few make it out alive.

In everything you will find something to keep.

An axiom of life. Some trade fleeting moments of what they call joy for a lifetime. Some trade fleeting moments of sacrifice to enhance a lifetime.

Don’t let the demon take who you really are.

Regardless, know you are loved beyond measure…

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EVER

My heart races. The palms of my hands are clammy. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Life is moving. I’m standing still.

Do I do enough? Do I trust enough? Do I love enough? Can I learn to forgive?

Questions with absolutely no answers…

SLAUGHTERED

The rush of thunder rolling through my veins, taking oxygen I do not have to spare. My mind is coiled trying to focus on what may come next. The wave of emotion sitting patiently on the rim of my eyes is dripping slowly into the dark Black Sea which has replaced my beautiful beating heart.

I can’t breathe. I can’t move. Gripping onto what little I have left to hold. Everything drips from a place so broken. Ridges festered and burning. The sound is faint, like blood from a cleaver. Slaughtered.

GREEN

I miss my son. I will never see him or hear him again on this earth. I’m envious of those who have this privilege. It’s unfair and heart wrenching.

I feel true green envy. I cover my ears as I don’t want to hear their joy. I close my eyes as I don’t want to see their happiness. It hurts my soul.

Uncomfortable feelings and reactions are blazing present. I can’t hide them. They are real, front and center.

My heart hurts, I can feel my eyes fill with tears, my chest tightens with pain. I’m jealous, it’s ugly. My jaw tightens. I just don’t have any happiness for your happiness today. Please just move along…

I miss my son. I will never see him or hear him again on this earth. I’m envious of those who have this privilege. It’s unfair and heart wrenching.

I feel true green envy. I cover my ears as I don’t want to hear their joy. I close my eyes as I don’t want to see their happiness. It hurts my soul.

Uncomfortable feelings and reactions are blazing present. I can’t hide them. They are real, front and center.

My heart hurts, I can feel my eyes fill with tears, my chest tightens with pain. I’m jealous, it’s ugly. My jaw tightens. I just don’t have any happiness for your happiness today. Please just move along…

NOT

I’m not good at being Jack’s mom. We are very different. He doesn’t respond to my mothering and I don’t know how to change. He’s his own person. My boys are all so different. Jack has completely thrown me for a loop. It breaks my heart.

I hope he remembers all the moments when we were so close when he was little. He will always be my buddy. I just need to figure out how to grow with him and not away from him.

Oh be still my heart. I love you truly Baby Jack. Twenty year old boys are not easy…

EVERYTHING

I feel nothing…

Nothing is a dark dark place.

Nothing, Its deep. Inlaid with a weight so heavy you heave.

Nothing takes your breath, strips the lungs from the inside out.

Nothing…it consumes your everything…

NONE

I miss you every single day. Every day. Six years is a very long time to miss someone. My heart aches every day for you. Just one more moment. Just one more hug. Just one more peace sign. Just one more minute.

I just want to curl up and sleep. Have my heart stop beating in my ears. Cry. Try to hide my red rimmed eyes and my tear stained cheeks. Have control of my emotions. Turn my heart to stone so the pain can’t penetrate my soul.

I want to stop the feeling of panic. The feeling something is off. I can’t because you are not here. Something is very off. Completely off. I can not even begin to imagine forever. No, I’m just not ready.

Is a holiday really a holiday if you’re not here? Is a birthday really a birthday if you’re not here? Is life really moving forward if your not here? Questions with no answers or the answers are to painful to bring to the surface of my heart. Deep rooted pain. A pain with claws so sharpe with every breath they pierce my heart.

You are frozen in my mind. You are always there. Always in my thoughts. When I move I think of you. When I laugh I think of you. When I breathe I think of you. I feel my insides on the outside. I often wonder if others see how I feel? Am I hiding it well? Does my laughter cover the pain? Questions I can not answer.

My blood rushes inside with no where to go. My mind spins like a top out of control. Finding a new normal is not a journey I can emotionally embrace right now. I need space. I need…I have no idea what I need…I just want my kid back…something I can never have and something I’m very emotionally ill prepared for. It’s beyond my imagination to live without you. I can’t…

This is my journey. I look around and wonder if anyone can hear my heart beating, my blood rushing. This journey has taken a piece of me I fight to get back. I’m tired. I’m drained, I’m angry, I’m sad. Honestly I have no idea what I am. None…

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