WONDER

TODAY I WONDERED OUT LOUD, TO MYSELF, IN MY BIG WHITE CAR…WHO WOULD CARE FOR MY FAMILY IF I WAS NO LONGER HERE.  THE PERSON WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT WOULD TAKE MY CHILDREN IS NOW DIVORCED AND I KNOW THAT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.  IT MAKES ME A BIT SAD AS I KNOW MY MOTHER IS TO OLD, SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO CARE FOR HER AS I DO NOW.  MY HUSBAND WOULD BE LOST AT FIRST, BUT HE WOULD MAKE HIS WAY…WOULD IT EVENTUALLY BE LIKE I WAS NEVER HERE?  I PONDER THIS WITH DEEP THOUGHT. 

SOME DAYS I FEEL OVER WHELMED AND I REALLY DON’T KNOW IF I CAN MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE DAY WITHOUT FALLING THRU A LARGE CRACK IN THE EARTH.  IS THERE A CRACK BIG ENOUGH TO SWALLOW YOU UP AND IF THERE IS…CAN YOU BREATHE?  I OFTEN WONDER WHEN AND WHERE MY LAST BREATH WILL BE, WILL JACK BE OKAY?  WILL HE REMEMBER STILL WANTING TO SIT IN HIS MOMS LAP AT THE AGE OF 12?  WILL BOBBY BE OKAY?  WHO WILL HE CALL AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHEN HE NEEDS SOMETHING?  WILL THERE BE THAT SOMEONE THERE FOR HIM?  ERIC…WHO WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ERIC THE WAY I DO?  NO ONE.  I THINK I HAVE FOUND MY REASON FOR LIVING ON IN THIS BLOG…ERIC…HE REALLY NEEDS ME AND HIS LIFE WOULD NOT GO ON IF I WERE GONE.  IT WOULD BE OUT OF CONTROL… AND HE WOULD BE SO CONFUSED HIS LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A TRAIN RUNNING OFF THE TRACK.  HOW SELFISH OF ME TO LEAVE SOMEONE SO INNOCENT WITH NO DIRECTION WHEN I AM THE DIRECTION NO MATTER HOW FAULTED IT MAY BE.

I HAVE TO TAKE MYSELF BY THE BOOT STRAPS, STOP WORRYING  MYSELF SICK ABOUT THINGS I CAN’T FIX, CHANGE OR MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  I NEED TO NOT TAKE ON MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS THOUGHT…I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE ANOTHER THING.  MY MIND IS RACING AT A PACE I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH.  I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE AND DO NOTHING BUT SLEEP FOR A WEEK.  IS THIS NORMAL? 

CALGON CAN’T FIX THIS.  IT IS MY BRAIN THAT NEEDS A BIG DOSE OF, “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH”…AND THEN I WILL MARCH ON LIKE THE GOOD SOLDIER I AM.  ALTHOUGH BE IT A TAD BIT MORE CRAZY.  WILL THE CRAZY EVER STOP?  AS I LOOK BACK, I SEE HOW THE CRAZY HAS SLOWLY MADE IT’S WAY TO BE SUCH A BIG PART OF MY LIFE.  SOME DAYS I FEEL STEADY, OTHERS I FEEL LIKE I AM TETTERING ON THE EDGE OF SOME UNKNOWN CLIFF…SOMEONE JUST PUSH ME…

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “WONDER

Add yours

  1. I love you. You do so much for so many, it is absolutely normal for you to feel overwhelmed sometimes. It isn’t just Eric that needs you. We all love and appreciate you and the world would be a little less happy without you in it.

    Hang in there!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: