I miss you every single day. Every day. Six years is a very long time to miss someone. My heart aches every day for you. Just one more moment. Just one more hug. Just one more peace sign. Just one more minute.

I just want to curl up and sleep. Have my heart stop beating in my ears. Cry. Try to hide my red rimmed eyes and my tear stained cheeks. Have control of my emotions. Turn my heart to stone so the pain can’t penetrate my soul.

I want to stop the feeling of panic. The feeling something is off. I can’t because you are not here. Something is very off. Completely off. I can not even begin to imagine forever. No, I’m just not ready.

Is a holiday really a holiday if you’re not here? Is a birthday really a birthday if you’re not here? Is life really moving forward if your not here? Questions with no answers or the answers are to painful to bring to the surface of my heart. Deep rooted pain. A pain with claws so sharpe with every breath they pierce my heart.

You are frozen in my mind. You are always there. Always in my thoughts. When I move I think of you. When I laugh I think of you. When I breathe I think of you. I feel my insides on the outside. I often wonder if others see how I feel? Am I hiding it well? Does my laughter cover the pain? Questions I can not answer.

My blood rushes inside with no where to go. My mind spins like a top out of control. Finding a new normal is not a journey I can emotionally embrace right now. I need space. I need…I have no idea what I need…I just want my kid back…something I can never have and something I’m very emotionally ill prepared for. It’s beyond my imagination to live without you. I can’t…

This is my journey. I look around and wonder if anyone can hear my heart beating, my blood rushing. This journey has taken a piece of me I fight to get back. I’m tired. I’m drained, I’m angry, I’m sad. Honestly I have no idea what I am. None…



Life can be intense. People can be cruel. As sad and true as it may be, Its real.

Locked in a prison of grief.  Vice gripes hold my heart.  I move about in a whirl of nothing. I try not to feel sorry for myself. But when I consciously think about it I shut it off.  I want to be okay, it will never be.   A waterfall
of tears flow daily. Will I ever be ok? I have not a glimpse of the answer. Peace don’t step on my heart.


Depression, oh the dark evil word no one wants to utter.  Not until someone can handle no more and they feel pressed against a wall with no other option then to just not “be” anymore.

It is like fighting something so huge it overtakes not only your mind,  but your soul.  You become physically exhausted from the battle smoldering in your brain.  Before you can grasp your footing you are consumed with an evil force words can not explain.

You don’t want to feel darkness, you truly are grasping at whatever you can to take you out of this dark place.   Depression is like a vice grip on the mind and soul.  It will squeeze until you literally can not function.  It is very hard to face the reality you can’t just be “happy”.  The thought becomes overwhelming.  You find yourself sinking into a darkness you can’t explain, you can’t climb out of, you can’t control.  It is an evil  with  tentacles of inescapable force that grip your mind and your soul.

Darkness is exhausting.  You know “it” is coming like a tsunami.  You can feel the rush flooding through your entire body.  There is truly no escape. You can feel the roar of the sea of darkness in your ear, but you have no wisdom on how to muffle the sound or escape the force. You brace yourself as you know “it”  is rushing to your soul. You learn through the years  how to navigate the waves.  You fight with all your being to keep your mind and body as your own. To others you appear happy and content, but inside you are twisted and broken.

Depression is a beast.  Everyday you fight to save your mind and soul….To save your “life”

RIP Robin Williams…Hugs to your family…


Heartache is a deep pain. It infiltrates your entire body. Please hold my heart in your hand.


My love, My life
My love, My life

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday. You are not alone. I know it’s not profound or new or anything spectacular, but it is something I am trying to embracing in order to find my happiness. “I want…” has been the number one word in my vocabulary for the past thirty-one months. It’s not always about what I want. Life has thrown me a curve ball and I caught it full on. I have honestly had no idea what to do with it since the day I caught it. It ripped through my glove and landed in the center of my heart. I was devastated and in a total state of shock. So, I left the game. Walked off. When I left the game, I left behind the core of my joy. I left behind my soul. My amazing wonderful life…

I am on a journey. A journey to embrace the joy in my life right now. A journey to be a good Mom to Jack and Eric right now. To be a fun, loving, understanding friend right now. To love my mother, right now. To embrace being a happy, comforting and loving Wife, right now. To be the Ginga Conner loves. To be a comforting, supportive Aunt, right now. To be there for my family full on head first full of love!

I am famous for saying, “life is short“, and yet I have been letting life take me on a roller coaster with no brakes. I have not been “living”. I have simply been reacting, doing as little as possible to make the day go by. My eyes have no sparkle. I want my sparkle back. Life is about ups and downs, some we can control others we can’t. Digging deep to be happy can be hard, but it can be done.
The one thing I know is you have to ‘want to’.

I control so much more than I ever knew. I have floated through life having a great time, loving every minute of it. Hitting a bump here and there along the way. Dusting myself off and moving forward. I was not prepared at all for losing my child, no one EVER is. Bobby knows how much I loved him, how I cherished him to the core of my soul. I know this. With this fact comes a peace I should embrace. I am lucky, some can’t say the same when they loose a loved one. I have no regrets. I loved him unconditionally and he knew it.

My other children deserve the same. They deserve a mother and Ginga who is present completely engaged in their lives. My friends and family deserve the same. It’s my job to find my way back. It’s not a long journey, because I truly know who I am.

My life is a journey. With grace, love and understanding I intend to enjoy it and love as big as I can in the process.




A friend of mine is coming to visit.  Upon hearing this I was reminded of a very emotional day in my life.  Memories bubbled up like a raging sea.  I found myself trying to fight a feeling I had no idea I would remember  so dark,  so vividly. It felt like a the parting of a sea of good and evil.  I found my place, I found my words.  Now I have a peace.  The peace appeared when I faced my truth regarding that dark day.

Cherish your friends and family.  Hold them close.  When you have the urge to call them, hug them, pray for them…do it.  You have no idea how your presence is needed and what instrument God has asked you to play.

I am blessed.  I will cherish the moment this person took a moment for me.  It literally was life changing.


for the love of summer
for the love of summer

The very best thing about summer!!!! BASEBALL!!!! It’s been a long summer without Jeter but I have enjoyed Kinsler♥

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