Everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday. You are not alone. I know it’s not profound or new or anything spectacular, but it is something I am
trying to embracing in order to find my happiness. “I want…” has been the number one word in my vocabulary for the past thirty-one months. It’s not always about what I want. Life has thrown me a curve ball and I caught it full on. I have honestly had no idea what to do with it since the day I caught it. It ripped through my glove and landed in the center of my heart. I was devastated and in a total state of shock. So, I left the game. Walked off. When I left the game, I left behind the core of my joy. I left behind my soul. My amazing wonderful life…
I am on a journey. A journey to embrace the joy in my life right now. A journey to be a good Mom to Jack and Eric right now. To be a fun, loving, understanding friend right now. To love my mother, right now. To embrace being a happy, comforting and loving Wife, right now. To be the Ginga Conner loves. To be a comforting, supportive Aunt, right now. To be there for my family full on head first full of love!
I am famous for saying, “life is short“, and yet I have been letting life take me on a roller coaster with no brakes. I have not been “living”. I have simply been reacting, doing as little as possible to make the day go by. My eyes have no sparkle. I want my sparkle back. Life is about ups and downs, some we can control others we can’t. Digging deep to be happy can be hard, but it can be done.
The one thing I know is you have to ‘want to’.
I control so much more than I ever knew. I have floated through life having a great time, loving every minute of it. Hitting a bump here and there along the way. Dusting myself off and moving forward. I was not prepared at all for losing my child, no one EVER is. Bobby knows how much I loved him, how I cherished him to the core of my soul. I know this. With this fact comes a peace I should embrace. I am lucky, some can’t say the same when they loose a loved one. I have no regrets. I loved him unconditionally and he knew it.
My other children deserve the same. They deserve a mother and Ginga who is present completely engaged in their lives. My friends and family deserve the same. It’s my job to find my way back. It’s not a long journey, because I truly know who I am.
My life is a journey. With grace, love and understanding I intend to enjoy it and love as big as I can in the process.