NONE

I miss you every single day. Every day. Six years is a very long time to miss someone. My heart aches every day for you. Just one more moment. Just one more hug. Just one more peace sign. Just one more minute.

I just want to curl up and sleep. Have my heart stop beating in my ears. Cry. Try to hide my red rimmed eyes and my tear stained cheeks. Have control of my emotions. Turn my heart to stone so the pain can’t penetrate my soul.

I want to stop the feeling of panic. The feeling something is off. I can’t because you are not here. Something is very off. Completely off. I can not even begin to imagine forever. No, I’m just not ready.

Is a holiday really a holiday if you’re not here? Is a birthday really a birthday if you’re not here? Is life really moving forward if your not here? Questions with no answers or the answers are to painful to bring to the surface of my heart. Deep rooted pain. A pain with claws so sharpe with every breath they pierce my heart.

You are frozen in my mind. You are always there. Always in my thoughts. When I move I think of you. When I laugh I think of you. When I breathe I think of you. I feel my insides on the outside. I often wonder if others see how I feel? Am I hiding it well? Does my laughter cover the pain? Questions I can not answer.

My blood rushes inside with no where to go. My mind spins like a top out of control. Finding a new normal is not a journey I can emotionally embrace right now. I need space. I need…I have no idea what I need…I just want my kid back…something I can never have and something I’m very emotionally ill prepared for. It’s beyond my imagination to live without you. I can’t…

This is my journey. I look around and wonder if anyone can hear my heart beating, my blood rushing. This journey has taken a piece of me I fight to get back. I’m tired. I’m drained, I’m angry, I’m sad. Honestly I have no idea what I am. None…

Locked in a prison of grief.  Vice gripes hold my heart.  I move about in a whirl of nothing. I try not to feel sorry for myself. But when I consciously think about it I shut it off.  I want to be okay, it will never be.   A waterfall
of tears flow daily. Will I ever be ok? I have not a glimpse of the answer. Peace don’t step on my heart.

BATTLE

My love, My life
My love, My life

Everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday. You are not alone. I know it’s not profound or new or anything spectacular, but it is something I am trying to embracing in order to find my happiness. “I want…” has been the number one word in my vocabulary for the past thirty-one months. It’s not always about what I want. Life has thrown me a curve ball and I caught it full on. I have honestly had no idea what to do with it since the day I caught it. It ripped through my glove and landed in the center of my heart. I was devastated and in a total state of shock. So, I left the game. Walked off. When I left the game, I left behind the core of my joy. I left behind my soul. My amazing wonderful life…

I am on a journey. A journey to embrace the joy in my life right now. A journey to be a good Mom to Jack and Eric right now. To be a fun, loving, understanding friend right now. To love my mother, right now. To embrace being a happy, comforting and loving Wife, right now. To be the Ginga Conner loves. To be a comforting, supportive Aunt, right now. To be there for my family full on head first full of love!

I am famous for saying, “life is short“, and yet I have been letting life take me on a roller coaster with no brakes. I have not been “living”. I have simply been reacting, doing as little as possible to make the day go by. My eyes have no sparkle. I want my sparkle back. Life is about ups and downs, some we can control others we can’t. Digging deep to be happy can be hard, but it can be done.
The one thing I know is you have to ‘want to’.

I control so much more than I ever knew. I have floated through life having a great time, loving every minute of it. Hitting a bump here and there along the way. Dusting myself off and moving forward. I was not prepared at all for losing my child, no one EVER is. Bobby knows how much I loved him, how I cherished him to the core of my soul. I know this. With this fact comes a peace I should embrace. I am lucky, some can’t say the same when they loose a loved one. I have no regrets. I loved him unconditionally and he knew it.

My other children deserve the same. They deserve a mother and Ginga who is present completely engaged in their lives. My friends and family deserve the same. It’s my job to find my way back. It’s not a long journey, because I truly know who I am.

My life is a journey. With grace, love and understanding I intend to enjoy it and love as big as I can in the process.

xxoo

TORN

I feel my heart breaking. I’ve been on the mend, but today my eyes rain. My soul is wrecked. It’s hard when you love so much it hurts and you try to let go, but the pull of emotion rips to your core. It’s like running in quicksand…and I’m sinking…

Everything happening around me bites at my soul. It stings. My face is stained like a plate glass window in the rain. There is no cover. It is open, raw and bare. There is no reflection as there is no light shining.

And…tomorrow is a new day…

REALIZE

As I struggle to realize it has almost been a year since I lost you…my heart hurts. It seems like yesterday I touched you, talked to you, spent time with you, hugged you, lay next to you. I can not fathom what my life is going to be like forever without you. It is something I can’t wrap my mind around. Oh I’ve tried, but it is so beyond the realm of my being it is impossible.
I think most everyone has the feeling I should be over it, moving on, etc. I have to be honest that is never going to happen. I am clinging to dear life here. I am holding on to whatever I can grasp and I dig in trying to feel some relief from the pain that has over taken my soul. I love to much, I know this, but I am having the hardest time trying to change who I am.
The cold hard reality is… I will forever be me…without you…I have no idea who I am…

AIR

Two...of my three sons♥♥
Death is forever…it matters not who you are, what you’ve done, how much money you have, what you gave or what you took. It’s just forever…eternal. It is one of the hardest things I have ever encountered in my life, the loss of my child.

A mother’s job is to love and protect her children. But when death knocks you have not the ability to protect and the love flows from a place that is shattered. It changes who you are, your balance. You have no footing, you don’t have the ability to grasp what has really happened. When you come to the place where you begin to think clearly, you don’t have a clue how to put together your life without your child.

Death has changed me in a way I never imagined. I have become a person I never envisioned. I am not who I used to be and the hard part is I don’t know if I can ever get back that part of me that I loved and cherished. I reach and I grasp into thin air. It’s just not there. My circle has grown smaller and my heart feels empty. I don’t bubble with joy and it breaks my heart in a whole new way. I just want someone somewhere to assure me I am really going to be me again, because today, I have no idea who I am…

TWINKLE

Magic...
When I believed in magic…life was simply…grand. I believed I could make anything happen for those I love. I would forever be able to put a smile on their face and a joy in their heart. The dance of magic is a fantastic fantasy. You hold it tight and nourish it, strengthen it and wrap it around your heart. It is held there warm and with so much love…it is simply…pure magic. You can see magic, it’s the twinkle in your eye.

And…with the touch of a hand, it’s gone. Ripped from your being, stolen from your soul. Taken, kidnapped and vanished from you in the blink of an eye. No more magic. It is just black. I have found nothing to replace the magic, because in all reality, there is nothing to replace magic. It’s a trick. A trick on the mind as well as the heart. Once the trick has been reveled…there is simply…no more magic…

I want to feel magic. I want life to be magical. I want the twinkle in my eye. I can only hope it is not gone forever…forever is a really long time for life not to be magical…

DECISION

I have come to the realization my heart is fragile. I am brash, aggressive etc. But when it comes to my heart, my heart is none of those things..it holds passion, and with passion come deep feelings and with deep feelings comes both joy and heartache and great emotion. I have tossed my heart around so much I belive it has become calloused and they are now wearing thin. I have made a conscious decision to protect my heart. I only have one and when it hurts, the tears from my heart over flow into my eyes, my chest feels so tight I might choke and it literally takes my breath away.
In reality I should change this, I should, “toughen up”. But I like my heart. I like the fact that I can love from a place deep within my soul and hold memories forever. I like that the passion which raises inside me like a beast is part of who I am. I like the fact that when I feel something, it is not on the surface, it comes from a place I now guard with pride. Your heart is truly the center of your being. When you try to change it…you are off-balance.
I want to be steady, I want to be strong and I want to have soul. But most of all…I want to feel love eternal.

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