Category: life

MONEY…TALKS

I have gotten lots of messages about why I am not an organ donor. It is not that I don’t care about human life. It is the total opposite, but, ALL human life. Not just if you are rich, famous, “normal”, etc. Everyone should be treated the same.

Eric was on and off the donor list numerous times as an infant. As he grew older and the damage done to his brain BECAUSE of his liver failure was more apparent, he was no longer a candidate for transplant. His quality of life was not up to par. Are you kidding me? I wrestled with so many emotions, I fought my mind knowing what they were saying made some kind of sense but was not my reality.

At that moment, I made a conscience decision to not be a donor. My children are not donors and my husbands organs will stay intact as well. It’s something we talked about and agreed upon long ago.

Now, if you need Jack’s cord blood and I know you are going to get it, it’s yours free and clear. If you need my kidney and I know you are going to get it, it’s yours, no question. If you need our bone morrow, it’s our gift to you. The fact that our organs go into a bank for someone else to decide who gets them is unacceptable to me. Money should have no baring…and don’t try to tell me different, I have been in the “donor world” for almost 22 years now. I know what I’m talking about…

For example…Mikey Mantle…he had CANCER and they transplanted him. I’m not a Doctor and I could have told you that had FAILURE written all over it! He was moved up the list past many who were healthy and waiting on a liver for a long time. I know this as fact. He was transplanted because of who he was and how much money he had. I have seen this over and over again in the past 22 years. Then you are going to try to convince me my child does not have the quality of life necessary to receive an organ. It’s never going to happen. You will never convince me, I can’t argue about it. I did for years and I’m tired, I don’t have it in me.

So we are not organ donors. But we are good people.

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BROTHER

My brother and I were both adopted. We do not have the same blood line coursing through our veins but we are “real” brother and sister. I do not think of us not being “related”, as we grew up together and had a true brother and sister love. We had fun together, we laughed, we fought ( I was much meaner) and we cried.

As we grew up it became apparent how truly different we were. Our judgements, views, behavior etc. greatly varied. We were still close. I always felt very protective of my brother. As if he needed me to keep him from harms way. I remember feeling this as a young girl. I felt as if he was not capable of caring for himself and it was my job to take the steps to make sure he was cared for. Reel him back in when he would slip and lose his footing.

It has become very apparent in our adulthood, he is not able to make good decisions and care for himself the way he should be cared for. Nor is he able to care for others, even those he loves, the way they deserve. He has left many heart-broken over poor choices and mistakes that can not be erased. I think what he once thought to be a “carefree” life style has become a life of reckless abandon. I hear the comment often, “at least you were adopted”. It makes my heart sad as he is my brother. My true brother, who I love from deep in my soul. His destiny may have been slated by another blood line, but his reality is, he is my brother…forever.

Even as a young child he was always searching for something. Something more, something bigger, something better, someone to make him happy, someone he could make happy. As time went on he found some of these things and others were much to far out of his reach because of the reckless lifestyle he embraced and seemed unable to shake. The emptiness became bigger and darker, deeper and wider. He is still a loving kind person who is trapped in a very confused mind. He lives in my heart and I will always feel the need to protect him although we are grown and I am unable to do so. He knows I love him, unconditionally.

With my unconditional love come boundaries I can not cross. My heart is always with him and I will not forsake him nor will I enable him to be the person he should have never become. God holds his hand as that is a job I cannot do.

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DUDE

In a perfect world children are raised by mom and dad…but the world is not perfect nor are mom and dad always meant to be together. That’s when you are ever so thankful when someone comes into your child’s life who loves them unconditionally as their own. It is priceless. I am lucky…my grandson has that someone in his life, his name is Brian and he is our Rock Star. Today is his birthday….so Happy Birthday Brian and thanks for being the Dude you are!

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BUTTON

I have a love hate relationship with my sons G-button. I love the fact it keeps him healthy and makes his life so much better. I hate the fact it malfunctions and makes him hurt and we have to go to the ER! His last two buttons have hated me and insisted on making me work harder than necessary. I think they came from someone in my past who really doesn’t like me! I am grateful for medical science…I just wish I could catch up…

I don’t know that I was cut out to take such meticulous care of another human being. I feel at the moment I am faltering in many ways. I worship this button, I take care of it as if it were the crown jewel. I will not allow there to be any skin granulations, it must be a perfect fit, there will be no leaks. It IS the crown jewel of the Fuentez Home. Everyone in our household is very aware how sacred the said button is! But in the end the button always wins. I curse the button, I’m sure at least once a day. I also praise the button numerous times a day. I just can’t win, the button always wins! It leaks, it moves, it shoots me the finger, I swear I’ve seen it! I have been defeated today by a G-button…I surrender…

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RAN

MY GRANDSON RUN INTO MY ARMS TODAY…I ALMOST LOST IT. I LOVE THAT BOY…FOREVER AND ALWAYS…NO MATTER WHAT!

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MANY

Can too many people love your child? I would think the answer is no. So why do we fight the love others have for our children, try to change the dynamic of an already not so great situation, on a constant basis? This is when attorneys and the law have to get involved and make decisions for a child. It is taken out of the parents hands, the very people who should be the only ones making decisions for this being they have brought into this world .You know why these outsiders become involved? Because it is obvious the parents don’t have the ability to make decisions based on the childs needs, what’s really best for the child. One wants this the other wants that, when right in the middle there is a child. It is no wonder there is a law firm on every corner and the court system is full! How on Earth did America come to this? When did it become okay to have children for our own happiness and satisfaction? Never thinking how down the road a child would be here, affected by the very decisions we make, our very actions.

It’s often times it is “in the best interest of the child”. But can a Judge really make this decision reading off a piece of paper and listening to attorneys who don’t even know the reality of the child, his wants, his needs and so on? The person holding the decisions of this child has more than likely not even SEEN the child! This is when the court system is a no win situation, when it involves a child. A precious child who loves all those involved!

Never in a million years did I dream I would watch as a child I love is torn and twisted, pulled and spun because his parents, my son included, can’t develop some type of communication. When did text messages become how one navigates their relationship with a child? Damn the text…it’s your CHILD! It’s never one-sided, there are two sides and sadly for the child they are both very ugly. While they both love the child, THEY want what each one thinks is best never once thinking about the next 10 years and how today IS going to be a cold hard reality one day and someone is going to have to explain THIS to the child!

It would be wise for one to look to the future before having children with someone…if only we had that luxury in life. Their would be fewer heart-broken children, fewer heart-broken grandparents and fewer parents who just should NOT parent together. I guess that’s why we have attorneys and lawyers, to make decisions when decisions can’t or won’t be made. One parent is not held in higher regard, that’s why God intended there be a mother and a father, a child needs BOTH, even if it be separate and apart. The child should not be torn, he should not have to navigate who and when to love, all’s he should know is love and love true love, all the time, from all those in his life. Those he has grown to love, those who have loved him. Love is a remarkable thing if one will just let it be.

I am very blessed to have a friend who is an attorney and guides me with distinct direction. I tend to be someone who has a hard time navigating this difficult situation. I am a fly off the handle spin on a dime person and in this situation this just won’t do. With her love and guidance I know I will make fewer mistakes in an ever so touchy situation. She has been of great comfort and of brilliant advice in adversity I find stewing in my heart and mind. It’s not about me, it’s not about what I want or think. It’s about the child I love. It’s about praying MY child makes good decisions, even when I don’t think they are good decisions, in the end, they are his decisions as it is his child. This is when I think it is so important for us to think about who we decide to parent with as it is a life long job. As your children grow you must love them and pray for them but, the guidance they need to navigate parenthood must come from THEIR own soul.

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NICE

Have you ever known someone who on the outside looked perfectly normal, but on the inside they are completely black and ugly and horrible? Well, until recently, I must say I had never known such a person. People I know are kind, gentle, loving, caring and NICE! Or, you can just tell you need to stay clear! Then I stumble upon a person who has normal healthy children, a comfortable life style and by golly if it’s not Satan dressed up as Betty Crocker!

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BOOG

I just finished reading a blog about a mother whose child lives in the hospital and has for the last two years…her entire life!  I have tears in my eyes, how on earth does she manage to function from day to day…and then for a brief moment, yes I am going to say it…I thought…how lucky she is!  She can leave her child and know she is cared for and still be her mother and go on about living without having to worry how she is going to go here and there and do this and that because she has her child, who can not be out and about going from here to there. I know, I am not getting the mother of the year award, I just admitted something no one I know would admit because it is so terrible, but how lucky this mother is…I thought for a brief moment…and then I thought…

I would have missed him climbing onto my bed for the first time at five years old. Watching him learn to walk in our backyard pool for the first time at eight.  Seeing him drink out of a cup (be it a sippy cup) at four years old.  Watching him try to move Jack out of his life when he was ten. Taking him to his new class at the High School when he was sixteen.  Seeing his face light up EVERY morning when he sees me…and the list goes on and on.

But then, I thought…for the last 21 years I can’t just up and go when I want.  My entire life is planned around Eric, and what Eric needs and bigger, what Eric wants.  What will make Eric happy and calm.  And…I think I have the best deal…because if I want to sit and hold Eric’s hand I can.  When Eric cries out at night, I, his mother am there for him.  There is nothing in the world that is more important than me being Eric’s mother.  I’m thankful Eric is part of my life journey, he made me who I am today…and I like me…and I LOVE Eric, just because he’s mine!

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WTF

If you know me…I am a “forever friend”…my motto being…”If I love you once, I will love you forever”. It’s true, I will hold you in my heart, cry your tears, love from the pit of my soul, fight like a true trailer park girl. All of it, all of it because my love has a passion, words can’t describe it, so be it…I am a “forever friend”. With that being said, I have come to a crossroads, well, the crossroads was years ago, the running off the tracks was a few years later and the all out fall out has been on going since well, for always. It’s like a train wreck that you know is happening, your watching, but you can’t wrap you mind around the fact…it’s derailed but still upright just not on the tracks.

I love from the depths of my soul, I will excuse and I can go toe to toe with any enabler! But kids have to take precedence over all…right? Oh, I know I’m right. I just need someone to explain to me why I know I’m right, and those around me know I’m right, but the law doesn’t get it. How long must we let someone abuse and misuse their children until the law finally says, “enough”? I know there’s been enough, everyone knows there’s been enough, but on and on it goes. It’s like a merry-go-round going so fast everyone is holding on to the horse’s head for fear of being thrown off and some evil devil of a person (their mother) is at the controls of the out of control merry-go-round! Just cackling, that cackle, the cackle which can only be made by a crazy person….but the truth is, she’s not crazy, she is pure evil!

Teflon, that is my new name for my unnamed “friend”. Nothing sticks to her! She can break the law into a million little pieces, set it on fire and watch it burn and nothing, nothing will happen to her. I know she is a manipulator, one of the best, but aren’t there “trained professionals” who should be able to see through the manipulation? I know people, people who have done so much less and are paying such a higher price. Some are sitting in a State or Federal lock-up as I type this. So I ask, why is she Teflon? Some where some how the “system” has dropped the ball, let her children down, no, not let them down, they have been down, now they are just being stepped on, stepped around or kicked emotionally. Every child loves their mother, and I’m sure that’s been all used up and now we are on to pity in that department. Raw heart-break. Only a child can have a heart-break so deep that it is ridged with the ability to still have love.

There have been many times “the system” could have stopped the situation, but Teflon has made it through. Nothing sticks! I know people in the “system”…people who have committed petty crimes and are being punished as they well should be. I have to admit I don’t know anyone, besides Teflon, who has a “battery of a Peace Officer” charge and “child endangerment” and numberous DUI’s, Telflon does! Here in the great state of Texas, you would not be out toiling around with such charges. Let alone, drinking, abusing her children, mistreating her dying mother, living off of whom ever she can swindle, shop lifting alcohol and whatever else she may “need” and not attending mandatory alcohol and drug counseling, which was ordered to her by the courts of New Mexico! I just need someone to explain this to me. Explain it to me in a language and a way that I will believe and understand, because right now, I am dumbfounded! Shame on the State of New Mexico and the City of Las Cruces!
All’s I can say is “what the hell”? and…that’s all I’m going to say about that!

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FIRE

I have not a clue what is happening…my insides are rushing faster than my brain can even begin to catch up. My heart is running so hard it feels as though it is trying to escape my chest. I feel a turmoil building inside, as fast as my blood flows I feel it pulsing through my veins. My head pounds and the weights that have placed themselves in my neck are so heavy, I feel as though my head can not hold itself upright. Something has invaded my happiness and has set out to drain me of self. I will wait for steady to come back into my life. Wait for calm to take over and me to become me again. I smile…life is fine, but deep inside is a fire burning that I have no idea how to even begin to extinguish. I need “chocolate cake”…

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