The slip of the hand, the cut of a blade, would all the pain just go away…
EVER
I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul. I can’t…it is to deep. When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big. I will never have my son back. I can not wrap my brain around the thought. I go about doing this and that for this one and that one, trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again. Will my heart ever heal? Will I feel true joy? Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?
There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now. I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am. I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again. Would not being the old me make me a better new me?
I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me? Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found? Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this, but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…
BALANCE
sitting laying here in sadness, Eric came into my room and would pace and walk out of my room and pace and it dawned on me…he is feeling my emotion and I am making him uncomfortable. So I continued to lay here and he came and laid beside me.
Beside me he did not feel comfort so he sat up for a moment, then he got up and again began to pace. As I listened to him move about I realize, I am his everything. I take total care of him, I am his voice, I am his comfort, I am his joy and I am the one who cares for him in sadness. He knows nothing else and I have to be all of those things for him everyday or he is lost.
It’s not a job, it’s an honor and I cherish every moment with him. He changed me the day he was born, made me a better me. At the same time, I changed the day Bobby died and I am having a hard time finding who the new me is. But, Eric does not understand any of that. He just knows his life is off-balance and he needs me.
I noticed yesterday as I lay in bed, Jack came in and out of my room over and over…his life is off-balance too. He should be in his room feeling totally secure playing games and being a kid. He should not have to feel off-balance because I am off-balance. I just need some help figuring out how to get back on balance. I know, time, but my kids don’t have time, they have now and now is what is important. So with my “magic Mom powers” as my kids have always said, I will fight my way back to who I was…one day at a time.
TEACHING
I have taught my children three things…love unconditionally, giving to others will bring you great happiness and friends and family are forever and always…if they never learn another thing from me, I will always know they will have learned the three most important things to my heart♥♥
AIR
A mother’s job is to love and protect her children. But when death knocks you have not the ability to protect and the love flows from a place that is shattered. It changes who you are, your balance. You have no footing, you don’t have the ability to grasp what has really happened. When you come to the place where you begin to think clearly, you don’t have a clue how to put together your life without your child.
Death has changed me in a way I never imagined. I have become a person I never envisioned. I am not who I used to be and the hard part is I don’t know if I can ever get back that part of me that I loved and cherished. I reach and I grasp into thin air. It’s just not there. My circle has grown smaller and my heart feels empty. I don’t bubble with joy and it breaks my heart in a whole new way. I just want someone somewhere to assure me I am really going to be me again, because today, I have no idea who I am…
BEFORE
To really be me again…I have would have to have you again♥♥
HANG
HANGING ON…
I never wanted to leave
I never wanted to go…
Something has changed inside of me
I just want to let go
Will I ever feel at home
In a land so far away
Will I stand out
Feel discord all along the way
Will my mind have regret
For leaving what I know
All questions that can’t be answered
If I never go…
I
I will…
Follow my heart…
Be still for my soul…
Reach with my arms…
Let go with charm…
Cry until there is no more salt…
Fear not…ever…
Take what is mine…
Cherish what I have….
Remember to embrace…
Kiss with full lips…
Embark on my journey…
Open my mind…
Love with my soul…
Push with force…
Carry with grace…
Live with passion…
Cross the bridge…
Hold on tight…
Oh, please be still my heart♥
HAPPENING
When happiness implode’s your heart, the fullness overtakes you and makes the smile on your face unable to disappear. Watching my nieces and nephews and all the kids who I love so dear go to Prom and get married has been one of the greatest joys of my life. These past few weeks it has been a wave of pure joy and everyone has caught it! It makes me want to hug them so tight I may never let go and it takes our breath away. The love for them is intoxicating. Words are not big enough to explain how my heart burst’s with joy for them. The beauty, the smile, the glow of it all will simply overtake you.
In the shadow of all the bliss, a little piece of my heart breaks as this should be my Eric’s time to do all these things as well. The day will never come, and if I give it a second to take over my mind, the heart-break becomes almost unbearable. The tears flow, my body jerks as I sob with a pain so deep it tears my soul. Then I remember all I have to be thankful for and how blessed I am to have been given such a gift and I know my life is exactly as it should be. It doesn’t make the heart-break less painful, but it does make it oh so much more bearable. It’s my life…and my life is a great adventure.
The give and take in this life is what keeps us going, makes us strong and builds the love we have for one another. The love I feel comes from a place deep within. It is nourished and guarded. With the beauty of those I love comes a deep committment and passion from the depth of my soul.
FORCED
It’s supposed to be festive, full of happiness and joy. I have no reason not to feel these things but my mind blocks the happiness from escaping to my soul. My eyes feel with the tears seeping from my heart. There is no reason. I am one of the luckiest people alive and I know it, intellectually. Emotionally I can’t grasp it. I don’t have the ability to pull it from deep within and wrap it around my soul. It tethers there, just out of grasp making things seem in a dense fog. My reality is very different from my inner being. I’m smart, but I am not smart enough or savvy enough to make the two connect and give me the electricity needed to have joy, real joy. Forced joy is not an emotion I can even pretend to know what it feels like. It is like a rock weighing down my heart.
In these times of forced happiness, I can love,laugh and live and no one can see the black turmoil within my soul. It is hidden behind my heart which beats blank happiness. If the heart controlled my life it would be bliss, but the soul holds the key. Twisted with memories and choked with emotion…things I’m not to feel, I’m to be the happy one. The laughing one. And…I am those things on the surface, deep down I never expected to feel completely out of control of an emotion I have no control over. Seasons where joy is forced upon each of us, I just want to back away and bask from afar. It’s like a movie played out and my eyes can’t focus on the screen. I hold myself together with the realization that all the forced happiness… “this too shall pass”, and every day life is what I live best. I live out loud!
Gifts don’t have love, the lover holds the gifts. We stray far from a reality I want to live in. A reality where you buy someone something just because you love them, just because they make you smile. A forced giving is out of my realm of imagination. It stands off to the side and reaches with its black gloved hand to pull you into something that was really not meant to be. When I can give love, laughter and a hug…That’s when my happiness overflows. When I’m forced to give something, it is but an illusion of the real me. It makes me feel the darkness seep in and overtake the real me. My happiness is in the fact…”this day too shall pass”.
If I hold you, hug you, laugh with you smile because you make my heart sing. Those are the things that are real from the follicles of my being. Everything else is a forced existence I have to attribute. It’s not me and if you know me, it’s really hard to not really be me.
TEETERING ON THE EDGE... 