PUSH

There is really nothing “wrong” with me, but everything is “wrong”. I know, it makes no sense…I feel a turmoil rising inside of my being. It’s like a dark cloud in my chest trying to escape the body it has been trapped in. Rain, Rain…down came the rain pouring from my eyes, for no real reason, just because. I feel a pain deep inside my soul, my spirit, that I just can’t shake today. I am trying to move this herd which has settled inside of my heart, without medication, but the movement has not even started. I feel my throat choke when I think I have to take medication to move myself to a better place. This was not what I expected from my life. I am strong, I am, I know I am, but I am not strong enough for this beast.

Things that usually lift my soul, make me feel whole, make me smile and live my life out loud, are gone, taken from me by something I fear will become bigger than me. I know it’s not forever, but as I close my eyes and wish these things back, wish so hard my chest tightens and I feel a huge lump in my throat…nothing, nothing, nothing. It’s like when I try to make myself think “happy”, it simply, can’t….and then comes the rain, pouring from my eyes.

This happens in the snap of a finger. The change is like a wind blowing across my soul, picking up misery and dumping it into my head, in an instant a change in my atmosphere. I wish I could explain it to someone, then maybe I could grasp and understand it better myself. My mind will only think one train of thought, one emotion at a time. When did I get to this place? What happened to the whole person I used to be? I am but a shell of myself when my heart is tight like a rope, so tight it could be walked on and I could not feel one footstep.

My soul is not broken, my life is good, but this haunting which has set up house in my being has a hold on me. I just need to breath, to will it to let go so I can go back to being me. Being the person I love. I want to be a better me, but I am consumed with a feeling I have no control over. This is one of those times, prayer and God will see me through…and God will understand if it takes me a while, he will understand if I need a push. The thing is, I want to someday move on without a push.

November 9, 2009 3

EVERYDAY

This man makes Eric’s school day wonderful everyday. Mr. Lee has been Eric’s aide for 4 years. I could not have found someone better to be with my son while he is at school if I would have hand-picked them from heaven! He loves my child and teaches him things I would never have been able too. I thank God every day, there is a Mr. Lee in our lives! He was truly Heaven sent!

October 29, 2009 0

MY

My best friend is Wonder Woman!

October 26, 2009 0

TREASURE

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I give to others. I strive to be the best Wife, Mother, Daughter and Friend I can be. I try to give of myself raw and filled with love. I have been blessed with a wonderful life, not always an easy life, but a wonderful life. My life is full…full of love, passion, laughter, tears, heartache, adventure and most of all JOY!

Every part of my life has true meaning to the person I am today. My parents adopting me oh so many years ago, my friends who helped me find myself while growing up, my church which gave me stability through the years, my husband who let me learn who I was and has loved me all along the way, my children who showed me love is unconditional and for always and forever.

I may not walk, talk and live the way I am expected to by others, but I do walk, talk and live like I expect me too. I want to be the best me I can be and I get a lot of help along the way from both family, old friends and new friends. One of the greatest things about my life is I never shy away from learning, I am not afraid to STEP OUT OF THE BOX if there is a lesson to be learned. I have no fear in introducing myself to people, therefore I have met some of the most interesting and fantastic people around. I have no fear in praising others. If someone does something well, I love to tell them, I love to see people beam with pride. Pride is a good thing, it can carry us during those lull times in life.

Laughter, it plays such a big part in my life. I love to laugh out loud! It makes your heart sing. Just talking, being silly and laughing is priceless and it is FREE! I have fun…I mean I truly have fun in my life. I may be quirky, different and talk to loud, but in all I do I strive to have fun, and I beam if those around me are having fun as well.

When someone hurts whether I know you well or not, I hurt…my soul truly feels your pain and I hope I can help others and just be THERE when they are hurting. I can’t always do anything, but my heart can be there and I am truly connected to my heart. My love is deep and heart felt.

I have suffered true heartbreak in my life. Heartbreak to the point the devastation was tearing at my soul piece by piece and I felt the blood drain as I tried to breath in the reality of what was happening to me. The most devastating heartbreak I have experienced in my life turned out to be one of the best things to happen in my life, it turned out to be the one thing that made me a better person.

When Eric was born and the Doctor said he would not live, I truly felt my heart break into a million little pieces and begin to make its way through my veins trying to find a way out of the shell of my body, my brain could not function, it could not possibly grasp what lay ahead for our family. As I sat on the hospital bed next to my husband trying to listen to instructions on where he was going etc., my brain broke and began to find it’s way into my veins looking for an escape just as my heart. I could not hold my child, I did not want to be connected to this being who was going to be taken from me. Oh, I LOVED him, I could not find the strength in my being to hold him and comfort him as I felt there was no comfort to be had…my husband was a pillar, he held him and never questioned why I felt the way I did.

My best friend, The Pope, had just given birth a few weeks before to a beautiful baby boy. She was basking in her joy and I had joy for her, until my baby was born, my joy went away and was replaced with envy. Yet daily she left her new baby at home, came to the hospital to hold me and just be THERE. She didn’t have to say anything, she knew my heart was broken and there was no fixing it, she planted herself there to be my strength. As I look back I can not imagine how she felt leaving her newborn to be with me…she was selfless.

When anyone told me it was going to be “okay”, I knew in my heart my life as I knew it was never going to be “okay”. Little did I know it was going to be BETTER and it would set me on a journey to having a wonderful life, with wonderful people and knowledge beyond my wildest dreams. Life handed me a gift and when I finally felt strong enough to embrace the gift and open it, it changed me! It made me understand the true meaning of being unselfish,non judgemental, and to love truly unconditional with no expectations in return. I never dreamed I would know the love I know today.

Each journey we embark on will lead us to a treasure if we just take our time and reach that destiny and embrace it. You may have to patch your heart and soul along the way, but in the end when the patching is finished you have created a better heart and soul and added new pieces.

October 19, 2009 2

BEST

I have the perfect best friend…we are perfect for one another, yet we are very different. I have known The Pope since I was born, as we were born into the same nursery at church. My aunt and her mother were very close friends so we always had a connection. In the fifth grade she moved out to the Fair of Acres where I had lived my entire life. My aunt said to me one day on our way to Sonic, cause she was cool like that, “The Pope is moving out here, I hope you two become close friends”…and the rest is History.

From the first day of fifth grade we have been connected with a bond that one can not describe. We love each other deeply and truly care about each other. We spend countless hours together to this day and we always smile. Even when one of us is on the verge or has crossed over the verge of loosing it, we are there for each other, no questions asked.

Yet, we are as different as two people could be. Here are just a few of our differences which stand out in my mind…

The Pope is drop dead stunning gorgeous…I am average at best.

The Pope dresses with utter class…I wear converse and boyfriend jeans all cut up.

The Pope is classy in her walk, her talk, her movements, etc. I am more of an agressive type in all I do. I talk loud, say what I’m thinking etc.

The Pope is shy but very intuitive of others, she may not talk all the time, but she always knows what’s going on around her. Me, I’m to busy talking to know anything about what is going on around me.

The Pope has a way of making you feel good even when you do not believe it is possible to feel good at that moment. The way she does it, can not be explained.

The Pope thinks before she speaks and has tried on numerous occasions to teach me this talent..I have yet to learn, but she loves me anyway.

The Pope never ever flies off the handle, I don’t even have a handle anymore!

The Pope has great patience, while I am very irratic. She keeps me grounded in reality.

The Pope is Conservative and I am Liberal, but we get along great and we agree on most things, and if we don’t it is simply no big deal.

I know her, I love her, she makes me smile, she makes me a better me!

The Pope…Dotti’s best friend forever and I mean it from the bottom of my crazy mad heart!

September 8, 2009 3

SAFE

I live in a very safe town in the great state of Texas…as I was reading news from BYU Universe this AM I came across their crime report…I am re-posting it below, because it made me laugh, I mean, laugh out loud. This is not crime, this is called LIVING!

Suspicious Activity

May 21: A female transient was found eating red juniper berries on the east side of the Benson Building. She told officers she was looking for a place to live. They advised her not to eat the berries off the bushes.

July 3: Officers responded to a suspicious person at the Bookstore upset about the deodorant selection. The person picked up a stick of deodorant, kicked it across the floor, then paid for the deodorant and left.

June 5:An adult male dressed in black was reported running through the quad and hiding behind dumpsters at Wymount Terrace. The man ran through the quad, dropped to his belly and army-crawled, then got back to his feet and continued running. He ran past a woman and said “Good morning” before jumping in a car and speeding off.

Property Damage

June 4:A moose was loose on campus so police called the Utah Division of Wildlife Resources. Officials came and tranquilized the moose. However, before going down the moose damaged two vehicles in the parking lot across from the SAS Building.

Trespassing

May 31:A phone call came in reporting a male alum and a female student had been kissing in the grass near a Wymount Terrace complex, making the caller and his family feel uncomfortable. The officer arrived and asked them to leave.

Fire

June 25: A car caught on fire near the north entrance of the Tanner Building. Witnesses said the car started to smoke and then they heard the tire pop. The cause of the fire is unknown but the fire department said other Ford Explorers have caught fire in the past. The taillight of the car next to the Explorer was melted.

Theft

June 14:Two bikes were reported stolen on campus. The victims saw the stolen bikes in a photo on Facebook. The person in the photo was arrested because he had “control” of the bikes.

Firearms

June 16: Someone reported seeing a man in the stadium with a rifle. The police responded and found out it was a grounds employee sent to eliminate pigeons with a pellet gun. Officers stopped him. The man was not able to shoot any pigeons.

Drug arrest

June 3:An EFY counselor thought he could smell marijuana in Gates Hall around 11 p.m. He found three EFY participants smoking marijuana in the stairwell. Police said the juveniles will be charged.

Animal Problems

June 20: A stray cat fell into a mechanical well and couldn’t get out. Officers responded and rescued the cat.
July 4: An owl was found in the former president’s home. An officer communicated with the owl and it left.

Civil problem

July 20:A resident at Wymount Terrace called and reported that carpet layers did not clean up after themselves and worked late into the evening on his apartment. Police referred him to Housing Administration because no crime was committed

Criminal mischief

July 22:A report was made of someone driving on the grass at Helaman Halls. A description of the truck was given and an officer was dispatched. The officer stopped the truck and the driver said he did not remember if he drove on the grass. The driver then told the officer he could not lie and that he was guilty of driving on the grass. The driver was given a warning.

Burglary

July 27: Someone thought there was a burglary when they returned to their car and a window was broken out. Nothing appeared to be missing, so officers think the window may have exploded because of the heat.

Disorderly conduct

July 31: Someone was throwing water balloons off the third floor of Budge Hall at 1 a.m. No one was injured but police could not find the person doing it. Later, housing authorities found the person and told them to stop.

August 12, 2009 0

DRIP

Those times in life when the right thing to do ripes your heart out by the last vessel and hands it to you with blood still trickling down your arm…I’ve had one of those weeks. My insides are torn, my outside is looking for a smile and my heart is not only been dislodged from my body, it is shattered into one million pieces. As I stand looking at the mess that has been made, I wonder when it will all be back in order and find it’s way back to it’s stable home called me.

Sometimes the right thing to do, is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. I hope this is it for me, I was not made to have to deal with circumstances “beyond my control”. I was made to control circumstances and grasp and hold onto them and make sure they all get in line and line up straight. When they don’t, my life is off kilter. The puddle I now stand in reminds me of rain, but it’s not rain, it is the tears falling not only from my eyes, but from my heart.

August 12, 2009 0

?

Next time I am in downtown Fort Worth, I am going to venture down these stairs and see where they take me. They are calling me every time I pass them, so for the sake of their happiness I am going to take flight and see where they lead. Maybe it is that surreal place I have been longing for….who knows?

July 30, 2009 0

SNAP

Dear God,

I can’t do this. I know they say you do not give a person more than they can handle, well you have dropped the ball on this one. I can not handle the stress anymore. Taking care of sick kids and parents is slowly beating me down and I feel myself on the verge of snapping right in two. I feel so stretched, I have not time to even spend a few minutes with myself to re-charge. My head is spinning at such a rate I can’t even reach to stop it. I feel my heart is going to explode with the grief I feel about this situation. I know this is my “job”, but I think it may be time for me to be fired, layed off or whatever you do in these situations. I want to be taken from this situation, run from this situation, close my eyes and when they re-open, there be nothing but white light.

I am one second away from totally snapping out of control and then I fear there will be no reeling me back in to be the wife, mother, daughter and friend I am supposed to be. I need a vacation, but I fear I am not able to even plan a vacation…if I have to plan one thing, I will simply fall apart. The mere thought of having to think makes the tears in my eyes sting and cry with pain. I am reeling in a dark black hole trying to figure out how to function on a daily basis, let alone plan something, do something or go somewhere. So please God, set me free. This current plan is not working, I am dying slowly…I am not the same person I used to be. I do not like or want to be around the person I have become. I need to feel the breeze and be set free. I am broken and I do not see me ever being fixed.

Put me on a cloud and take me…I’m ready more than ready!

July 29, 2009 0

REALLY

Ladies and Gentlemen…yes, it is a true fact….I did walk around yesterday with shit on my arm. Several times I ventured to figure out where the smell of human feces was coming from, only to catch a glimpse in the mirror of my arm, and there it was, bigger than life, human feces on my arm! How many people noticed and said nothing? I guess it would be rather awkward to say, “Excuse me Miss, but either you have a terrible skin cancer on your arm…or it is poop”…and as you guessed, no one said a thing. I guess everyone I came into contact with thought, “oh the lady in the ever so stylish dress has a human feces smell about her”! Did they think it was my perfume? Holy hell, only me! So, from now on, if I see someone with shit on them, I’m telling them, because believe you me…THEY WANT TO KNOW!

July 25, 2009 2