BOBBY
MAGIC
Magic is knowing Wonder Woman! She is ALWAYS there for me!
BUTTON
I have a love hate relationship with my sons G-button. I love the fact it keeps him healthy and makes his life so much better. I hate the fact it malfunctions and makes him hurt and we have to go to the ER! His last two buttons have hated me and insisted on making me work harder than necessary. I think they came from someone in my past who really doesn’t like me! I am grateful for medical science…I just wish I could catch up…
I don’t know that I was cut out to take such meticulous care of another human being. I feel at the moment I am faltering in many ways. I worship this button, I take care of it as if it were the crown jewel. I will not allow there to be any skin granulations, it must be a perfect fit, there will be no leaks. It IS the crown jewel of the Fuentez Home. Everyone in our household is very aware how sacred the said button is! But in the end the button always wins. I curse the button, I’m sure at least once a day. I also praise the button numerous times a day. I just can’t win, the button always wins! It leaks, it moves, it shoots me the finger, I swear I’ve seen it! I have been defeated today by a G-button…I surrender…
BROKEN
I never in a million years could have dreamed how my life has turned out. It’s nothing as I expected, but has brought me much joy as well as heartache and lessons along the way. One of the hardest lessons I am learning is how tough it is to have a Grandchild from a broken home. It is so hard when he says he is going to miss us because it is going to be a long time before he sees us again. He’s four, he should know nothing but happiness, but he already knows the trials of pain. It breaks my heart.
The lesson in this being…sometimes it hurts to be a Ginga…
NICE
Have you ever known someone who on the outside looked perfectly normal, but on the inside they are completely black and ugly and horrible? Well, until recently, I must say I had never known such a person. People I know are kind, gentle, loving, caring and NICE! Or, you can just tell you need to stay clear! Then I stumble upon a person who has normal healthy children, a comfortable life style and by golly if it’s not Satan dressed up as Betty Crocker!
VACATION
Dear Mr. Vacation Planner,
From now on I will be vacationing with Myself or with Leslie. Thanks in advance for making this possible.
Love,
dot
OUT
One of the hardest parts of having a child with disabilities who is totally dependent of you…my husband and I rarely get to go out together. It’s either one or the other of us. We spend a lot of time together at home and it is wonderful. In fact, we spend most of our free time at home as a family. We are all close because of this. But every now and again, I would love to just say, “hey, let’s go out”, and it not have to be a production. I mean there is not spontaneity in our going somewhere. This is not because we don’t like to take Eric with us, it’s because if you try to take Eric somewhere, it is not going to be a happy time….for ANYONE!
Eric likes to be home. He likes to ride in the car, he likes to go to school. But, if you try to get Eric out and about he is very unhappy. He doesn’t like to be out of his comfort zone. He becomes very agitated and unhappy. Not a lot of fun for anyone, especially Eric. So we live our lives accordingly. We have a great life, we have fun, we enjoy our home. But…venturing out TOGETHER would be wonderful every now and again.
It’s one of those times you have to embrace what life hands you and be happy with it. I wouldn’t trade my life for the world, it is exactly where I am supposed to be. I will continue to build on what I have been blessed with and know this is the life I was meant to be living. I feel blessed to have been chosen to be not only Eric’s mother, but the mother to Jack and Bobby and Conner’s Ginga! Not to many people have as much fun in life as I do! I am lucky!
PEACE
PEACE…
FORGIVING WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TOO…
FORGETTING WHAT HAD TO BE FORGIVEN…
FINDING PEACE WITHIN YOUR SOUL…
LOVING WHEN IT’S HARD…
LETTING GO WHEN IT’S TIME…
BEING TRUE TO YOUR HEART EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT POPULAR …
LOVING YOURSELF…
LETTING GO OF REGRET…
FORGIVING YOURSELF…
EMBRACING YOUR DECISIONS WITHOUT REGRET…
LETTING THE TENSION GO AND MOVING ON…
FEELING THE FREEDOM OF YOUR DECISIONS…
LIFE IS NOT EASY…FORGIVING CAN BE HARD…BLAMING OTHERS MIGHT SEEM EASY, BUT YOU HURT YOURSELF IN THE LONG RUN…I HAVE DECIDED I LOVE ME MORE THAN ANY FRICTION WITHIN MY LIFE AND MY FAMILY…I AM FORGIVING AND MOVING ON…IT’S WHAT’S BEST FOR ME!
IT IS ONLY NOW I TRULY HAVE PEACE….
WONDER
TODAY I WONDERED OUT LOUD, TO MYSELF, IN MY BIG WHITE CAR…WHO WOULD CARE FOR MY FAMILY IF I WAS NO LONGER HERE. THE PERSON WHO I ALWAYS THOUGHT WOULD TAKE MY CHILDREN IS NOW DIVORCED AND I KNOW THAT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. IT MAKES ME A BIT SAD AS I KNOW MY MOTHER IS TO OLD, SOMEONE WILL HAVE TO CARE FOR HER AS I DO NOW. MY HUSBAND WOULD BE LOST AT FIRST, BUT HE WOULD MAKE HIS WAY…WOULD IT EVENTUALLY BE LIKE I WAS NEVER HERE? I PONDER THIS WITH DEEP THOUGHT.
SOME DAYS I FEEL OVER WHELMED AND I REALLY DON’T KNOW IF I CAN MAKE IT TO THE END OF THE DAY WITHOUT FALLING THRU A LARGE CRACK IN THE EARTH. IS THERE A CRACK BIG ENOUGH TO SWALLOW YOU UP AND IF THERE IS…CAN YOU BREATHE? I OFTEN WONDER WHEN AND WHERE MY LAST BREATH WILL BE, WILL JACK BE OKAY? WILL HE REMEMBER STILL WANTING TO SIT IN HIS MOMS LAP AT THE AGE OF 12? WILL BOBBY BE OKAY? WHO WILL HE CALL AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING WHEN HE NEEDS SOMETHING? WILL THERE BE THAT SOMEONE THERE FOR HIM? ERIC…WHO WILL EVER UNDERSTAND ERIC THE WAY I DO? NO ONE. I THINK I HAVE FOUND MY REASON FOR LIVING ON IN THIS BLOG…ERIC…HE REALLY NEEDS ME AND HIS LIFE WOULD NOT GO ON IF I WERE GONE. IT WOULD BE OUT OF CONTROL… AND HE WOULD BE SO CONFUSED HIS LIFE WOULD BE LIKE A TRAIN RUNNING OFF THE TRACK. HOW SELFISH OF ME TO LEAVE SOMEONE SO INNOCENT WITH NO DIRECTION WHEN I AM THE DIRECTION NO MATTER HOW FAULTED IT MAY BE.
I HAVE TO TAKE MYSELF BY THE BOOT STRAPS, STOP WORRYING MYSELF SICK ABOUT THINGS I CAN’T FIX, CHANGE OR MAKE A DIFFERENCE. I NEED TO NOT TAKE ON MORE THAN I CAN HANDLE. WHICH BRINGS ME TO THIS THOUGHT…I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE ANOTHER THING. MY MIND IS RACING AT A PACE I CAN’T KEEP UP WITH. I WANT TO GO SOMEWHERE AND DO NOTHING BUT SLEEP FOR A WEEK. IS THIS NORMAL?
CALGON CAN’T FIX THIS. IT IS MY BRAIN THAT NEEDS A BIG DOSE OF, “EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, YOU WORRY TOO MUCH”…AND THEN I WILL MARCH ON LIKE THE GOOD SOLDIER I AM. ALTHOUGH BE IT A TAD BIT MORE CRAZY. WILL THE CRAZY EVER STOP? AS I LOOK BACK, I SEE HOW THE CRAZY HAS SLOWLY MADE IT’S WAY TO BE SUCH A BIG PART OF MY LIFE. SOME DAYS I FEEL STEADY, OTHERS I FEEL LIKE I AM TETTERING ON THE EDGE OF SOME UNKNOWN CLIFF…SOMEONE JUST PUSH ME…
MY
My best friend is Wonder Woman!
TEETERING ON THE EDGE... 