29

It’s been 29 months since you left this earth. My heart feels like it was yesterday. I miss you Bobber…there are no words to describe the pain in my soul…it’s just empty…I love you forever and I’ll miss you for always…

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Living in a fog as I no longer see my life clearly. It happens everyday and I have no idea what is really going on around me. My life is basically a theatrical performance on a daily basis. When I am happy, I fear something bad is going to happen. Should I be happy? How can I possibly smile when I am missing something so important in my life? As the world moves on around me I feel stuck in a vacuum of grief. I can’t release it.

I perform on a daily basis. I laugh out loud. I hold conversation…and then it hits me like a wind storm, the sand biting at my heart…My child is gone. I will never touch him again, I will never watch him sleep, I will never see his smile. I will never lock eyes with him and have the look of pure love stare back at me. I just can’t wrap my mind around something so final. This is not my life, and then I realize this is my life now and tears spring from my eyes.

My love has always been deep, unconditional and pure. If I love you, I truly love you. If I had known the heartbreak I would encounter from such love I don’t know if I would have chosen to love in such a profound way. I fear I am going to lose someone else who lives in my heart. I want to back away and just watch life from afar. As I

Bobber
Bobber
try to “just be”, I long for peace. I long to be okay and my reality is…I’m okay, for a few minutes and then it hits me like lightning cracking at my heart, I’m not okay and I’m simply never going to be okay.

Please just hold my hand. It calms my heart…

FEAR

There are no words...

Why can’t I find my way?  Why do I have such fear growing inside of me like a stalker?  Why can’t I move past heartbreak? Why can’t I just love openly anymore? Why do I think about what it would feel like to just “be gone”?  Why can’t I feel real joy?  Why can’t I really sleep without my mind racing?  Why do I stay up for fear of sleeping?  Why do I not want the life I now am forced to live? Why?

I ask myself these questions everyday.  I try to feel a deep dark void with other things and briefly I feel a shimmer of happiness.  And then…darkness overtakes me.  I am intertwined in a world I know nothing about.  I don’t know how to maneuver out of the place I am in.  I think about things that have never entered my mind before, that I never understood and now it is an option.  I shut my love on and off for fear of being hurt.  I can’t just embrace life with the force I once did.  I stand at a distance and wait for something to breeze by and I will just take that moment but I want nothing more.  I don’t want to love and feel passion as I once thought was the only way to live.  I want to shut my self off. 

Is this the life of someone broken?  Is this the life of someone selfish to the point they can’t love another? Have I become someone who has not the ability to move beyond?  I am afraid of everything when at one time I was afraid of nothing.  I fear the smallest thing will be life alterting.  I just don’t want to “be”.  I want to let go,  but the grasp I have on fear is so tight it is suffacating.  I can’t do,  for fear I will love, I can’t love for fear I will loose, I can’t loose for fear I won’t survive. My heart is wrapped so tight I feel it pulsating in my chest.  I just want me again…and I have no idea where I am or how to get me back to the place I was so happy, the life I loved and the joy I embraced like a breath of fresh air. 

EVER

I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul.  I can’t…it is to deep.  When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big.  I will never have my son back.  I can not wrap my brain around the thought.  I go about doing this and that for this one and that one,  trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again.  Will my heart ever heal?  Will I feel true joy?  Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?  

There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now.  I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am.  I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again.  Would not being the old me make me a better new me?  

I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me?  Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found?  Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this,  but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…

HOLLOW

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Halloween has always been one of Bobby’s favorite holidays. This year it is not the same. He is not here to have his big party with all of his friends. It’s just not going to be the same…It is going to be on Monday, the day we laid him to rest. It just doesn’t seem real nor right. I miss Bobber♥♥ So to all of you, have a fun-filled Halloween, that’s what Bobby would want…I’m glad I have the memories…

TWINKLE

Magic...
When I believed in magic…life was simply…grand. I believed I could make anything happen for those I love. I would forever be able to put a smile on their face and a joy in their heart. The dance of magic is a fantastic fantasy. You hold it tight and nourish it, strengthen it and wrap it around your heart. It is held there warm and with so much love…it is simply…pure magic. You can see magic, it’s the twinkle in your eye.

And…with the touch of a hand, it’s gone. Ripped from your being, stolen from your soul. Taken, kidnapped and vanished from you in the blink of an eye. No more magic. It is just black. I have found nothing to replace the magic, because in all reality, there is nothing to replace magic. It’s a trick. A trick on the mind as well as the heart. Once the trick has been reveled…there is simply…no more magic…

I want to feel magic. I want life to be magical. I want the twinkle in my eye. I can only hope it is not gone forever…forever is a really long time for life not to be magical…

BOBBER

I want to laugh…but I cry. I want joy…it went with you. My heart is missing a piece so big it can never be filled. My eyes have tears that will not dry. I can not breathe, I need you near. I never imagined I would lose you so young. You were such joy, I love you much. I don’t know how my life will go on, I know it will as I have not a choice, but I have no idea how to move past the heartache I feel. You were my child. My first-born. You were the first person I knew who had my DNA, my blood flowed through your veins. That is forever going to be missing from my heart. When I think of you I want to breath for you. I want you to know I would give the world to have you back. The last time we locked eyes on August 9th, I knew you loved me. You were my Bobber and I just want you back…

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