GOD BLESS THE USA
Must have for me!!!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 890 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 15 trips to carry that many people.
It’s been 29 months since you left this earth. My heart feels like it was yesterday. I miss you Bobber…there are no words to describe the pain in my soul…it’s just empty…I love you forever and I’ll miss you for always…
Living in a fog as I no longer see my life clearly. It happens everyday and I have no idea what is really going on around me. My life is basically a theatrical performance on a daily basis. When I am happy, I fear something bad is going to happen. Should I be happy? How can I possibly smile when I am missing something so important in my life? As the world moves on around me I feel stuck in a vacuum of grief. I can’t release it.
I perform on a daily basis. I laugh out loud. I hold conversation…and then it hits me like a wind storm, the sand biting at my heart…My child is gone. I will never touch him again, I will never watch him sleep, I will never see his smile. I will never lock eyes with him and have the look of pure love stare back at me. I just can’t wrap my mind around something so final. This is not my life, and then I realize this is my life now and tears spring from my eyes.
My love has always been deep, unconditional and pure. If I love you, I truly love you. If I had known the heartbreak I would encounter from such love I don’t know if I would have chosen to love in such a profound way. I fear I am going to lose someone else who lives in my heart. I want to back away and just watch life from afar. As I try to “just be”, I long for peace. I long to be okay and my reality is…I’m okay, for a few minutes and then it hits me like lightning cracking at my heart, I’m not okay and I’m simply never going to be okay.
Please just hold my hand. It calms my heart…
Why can’t I find my way? Why do I have such fear growing inside of me like a stalker? Why can’t I move past heartbreak? Why can’t I just love openly anymore? Why do I think about what it would feel like to just “be gone”? Why can’t I feel real joy? Why can’t I really sleep without my mind racing? Why do I stay up for fear of sleeping? Why do I not want the life I now am forced to live? Why?
I ask myself these questions everyday. I try to feel a deep dark void with other things and briefly I feel a shimmer of happiness. And then…darkness overtakes me. I am intertwined in a world I know nothing about. I don’t know how to maneuver out of the place I am in. I think about things that have never entered my mind before, that I never understood and now it is an option. I shut my love on and off for fear of being hurt. I can’t just embrace life with the force I once did. I stand at a distance and wait for something to breeze by and I will just take that moment but I want nothing more. I don’t want to love and feel passion as I once thought was the only way to live. I want to shut my self off.
Is this the life of someone broken? Is this the life of someone selfish to the point they can’t love another? Have I become someone who has not the ability to move beyond? I am afraid of everything when at one time I was afraid of nothing. I fear the smallest thing will be life alterting. I just don’t want to “be”. I want to let go, but the grasp I have on fear is so tight it is suffacating. I can’t do, for fear I will love, I can’t love for fear I will loose, I can’t loose for fear I won’t survive. My heart is wrapped so tight I feel it pulsating in my chest. I just want me again…and I have no idea where I am or how to get me back to the place I was so happy, the life I loved and the joy I embraced like a breath of fresh air.
I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul. I can’t…it is to deep. When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big. I will never have my son back. I can not wrap my brain around the thought. I go about doing this and that for this one and that one, trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again. Will my heart ever heal? Will I feel true joy? Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?
There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now. I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am. I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again. Would not being the old me make me a better new me?
I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me? Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found? Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this, but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…