Today I’m just sad. I feel the salt burn from tears on my cheeks. The rush in my soul is overwhelming. Chocked.

If life was easy would any of us live? Would we hold each other or watch as one another pass through?

There is really no meaning, no purpose. We just are.

If only we loved as much as we feel. The difference would be profound…

We trust, we hurt. If we did not trust maybe we would not hurt…

Dear Bobber,

You left to go to work. Like any other day. You did not go to work like every other day. You were circling the drain. I knew you were really white knuckling life. I could not fix it. I could not get in your head. The vice grips holding my boy hostage were stronger than I could imagine.

You wanted to disappear. You wanted not to feel. You wanted to be alone. I get all those things, but I couldn’t let go. When it was very apparent you were not coming home, I soon realized I had no idea where you were. I wanted to find you, I wanted to fix it. You wanted none of it.

Never had I not known where you were or how to find you. I panicked. I called, I begged, I cursed. You were a grown up, I was not privy to your business. That would of set well I suppose if I did not have a fire in my soul and the mindset, you are mine. I do have a right. You are my beating heart.

I would not be told no. I found you. I did not care the means I went to dig into your darkness. You are mine.

I was so afraid, heartbroken and felt nothing but total unconditional pure love when I found you. As they wheeled you away, I was clinging to a hope I wasn’t sure was there.

They saved you. They saved you, from death, but not the demons within. Those were not to be reckoned with. They slithered down and bowed their heads waiting to destroy my beautiful boy.

It’s been eight years today. My chest is tight, my heart is rapid, I thought you were going to be ok…

You were, for three more months…

My beautiful perfect boy…

Make me beautiful

Make me free

Move me calmly through the storm as my soul barrels with the passion of thunder. I said, I can do this. I can do this. It’s all mind over matter. I feel I am losing my mind as it turns to matter.

My heart races. The palms of my hands are clammy. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Life is moving. I’m standing still.

Do I do enough? Do I trust enough? Do I love enough? Can I learn to forgive?

Questions with absolutely no answers…

The rush of thunder rolling through my veins, taking oxygen I do not have to spare. My mind is coiled trying to focus on what may come next. The wave of emotion sitting patiently on the rim of my eyes is dripping slowly into the dark Black Sea which has replaced my beautiful beating heart.

I can’t breathe. I can’t move. Gripping onto what little I have left to hold. Everything drips from a place so broken. Ridges festered and burning. The sound is faint, like blood from a cleaver. Slaughtered.

I’m not good at being Jack’s mom. We are very different. He doesn’t respond to my mothering and I don’t know how to change. He’s his own person. My boys are all so different. Jack has completely thrown me for a loop. It breaks my heart.

I hope he remembers all the moments when we were so close when he was little. He will always be my buddy. I just need to figure out how to grow with him and not away from him.

Oh be still my heart. I love you truly Baby Jack. Twenty year old boys are not easy…