SLAUGHTERED

The rush of thunder rolling through my veins, taking oxygen I do not have to spare. My mind is coiled trying to focus on what may come next. The wave of emotion sitting patiently on the rim of my eyes is dripping slowly into the dark Black Sea which has replaced my beautiful beating heart.

I can’t breathe. I can’t move. Gripping onto what little I have left to hold. Everything drips from a place so broken. Ridges festered and burning. The sound is faint, like blood from a cleaver. Slaughtered.

NOT

I’m not good at being Jack’s mom. We are very different. He doesn’t respond to my mothering and I don’t know how to change. He’s his own person. My boys are all so different. Jack has completely thrown me for a loop. It breaks my heart.

I hope he remembers all the moments when we were so close when he was little. He will always be my buddy. I just need to figure out how to grow with him and not away from him.

Oh be still my heart. I love you truly Baby Jack. Twenty year old boys are not easy…

EVERYTHING

I feel nothing…

Nothing is a dark dark place.

Nothing, Its deep. Inlaid with a weight so heavy you heave.

Nothing takes your breath, strips the lungs from the inside out.

Nothing…it consumes your everything…

LOST

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

  • Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

SIX

Six years…
It's hard to believe. I remember the day so vividly. I remember exactly what I was wearing, exactly where I was…the exact moment…
My life forever changed.
I was not prepared to lose my child. It has knocked the life out of me. I have found myself questioning so many things, everything.
My joy has been abducted. I search and search for it. Vanished….
I can feel my heart beat, my mind rushes with emotion. I have to remind myself, "Breathe, just breath". Some days I don't want to breathe, I want to just hold my breath until my heart calms…
I realize calm is so so far away.
Raindrops fall from my eyes…
Death is forever and forever is a long long time…
Forever I will love you my first born son…

9/11

I remember this day so vividly in my mind.   I was panicked.  Never ForgerI had never been afraid in my country. On this day I was truly afraid. Evil changed my country FOREVER…

GOD BLESS THE USA

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