Why can’t I find my way? Why do I have such fear growing inside of me like a stalker? Why can’t I move past heartbreak? Why can’t I just love openly anymore? Why do I think about what it would feel like to just “be gone”? Why can’t I feel real joy? Why can’t I really sleep without my mind racing? Why do I stay up for fear of sleeping? Why do I not want the life I now am forced to live? Why?
I ask myself these questions everyday. I try to feel a deep dark void with other things and briefly I feel a shimmer of happiness. And then…darkness overtakes me. I am intertwined in a world I know nothing about. I don’t know how to maneuver out of the place I am in. I think about things that have never entered my mind before, that I never understood and now it is an option. I shut my love on and off for fear of being hurt. I can’t just embrace life with the force I once did. I stand at a distance and wait for something to breeze by and I will just take that moment but I want nothing more. I don’t want to love and feel passion as I once thought was the only way to live. I want to shut my self off.
Is this the life of someone broken? Is this the life of someone selfish to the point they can’t love another? Have I become someone who has not the ability to move beyond? I am afraid of everything when at one time I was afraid of nothing. I fear the smallest thing will be life alterting. I just don’t want to “be”. I want to let go, but the grasp I have on fear is so tight it is suffacating. I can’t do, for fear I will love, I can’t love for fear I will loose, I can’t loose for fear I won’t survive. My heart is wrapped so tight I feel it pulsating in my chest. I just want me again…and I have no idea where I am or how to get me back to the place I was so happy, the life I loved and the joy I embraced like a breath of fresh air.