HEAVEN’S

Tomorrow we celebrate 22 years of having the privilege of being Eric’s family…
HEAVEN’S VERY SPECIAL CHILD

A meeting was held quite far from earth.
“It’s time again for another birth,”
Said the Angels to the Lord above,
“This special child will need much love.

His progress may seem very slow
Accomplishments he may not show
And he’ll require extra care
From the folks he meets way down there.

He may not run or laugh or play
His thoughts may seem quite far away
In many ways he won’t adapt,
And he’ll be known as handicapped.

So let’s be careful where he’s sent
We want his life to be content.
Please, Lord, find the parents who
Will do a special job for You.

They will not realize right away
The leading role they’re asked to play
But with this child sent from above
Comes stronger faith and richer love.

And soon they’ll know the privilege given
In caring for this gift from Heaven
Their precious charge, so meek and mild
Is Heaven’s very special child.”

Author Unknown

THREE

Three little girls…I knew them from afar but they were such a part of my heart. I loved them but had never hugged them…it mattered not because soon they came and my world was forever changed…I held them, talked to them, clothed them, fed them and my life was better for loving them.

Now…as I watch as their hearts are breaking…again, I am afar…but they each now hold a piece of my heart in the palm of a hand I have held. As their lives are forever changed my love for them remains.

I will not dwell on the devastation, but on the healing of the hearts breaking. Time heals the wounds that pierce the soul…but will we ever know the toll taken on three little girls…

PIRATE

I love this little boy standing at the end of my bed.. My heart swells. I am thankful he has parents who love him every day. My time with him is precious and I am blessed every minute he is with me. A gift…

BROTHER

My brother and I were both adopted. We do not have the same blood line coursing through our veins but we are “real” brother and sister. I do not think of us not being “related”, as we grew up together and had a true brother and sister love. We had fun together, we laughed, we fought ( I was much meaner) and we cried.

As we grew up it became apparent how truly different we were. Our judgements, views, behavior etc. greatly varied. We were still close. I always felt very protective of my brother. As if he needed me to keep him from harms way. I remember feeling this as a young girl. I felt as if he was not capable of caring for himself and it was my job to take the steps to make sure he was cared for. Reel him back in when he would slip and lose his footing.

It has become very apparent in our adulthood, he is not able to make good decisions and care for himself the way he should be cared for. Nor is he able to care for others, even those he loves, the way they deserve. He has left many heart-broken over poor choices and mistakes that can not be erased. I think what he once thought to be a “carefree” life style has become a life of reckless abandon. I hear the comment often, “at least you were adopted”. It makes my heart sad as he is my brother. My true brother, who I love from deep in my soul. His destiny may have been slated by another blood line, but his reality is, he is my brother…forever.

Even as a young child he was always searching for something. Something more, something bigger, something better, someone to make him happy, someone he could make happy. As time went on he found some of these things and others were much to far out of his reach because of the reckless lifestyle he embraced and seemed unable to shake. The emptiness became bigger and darker, deeper and wider. He is still a loving kind person who is trapped in a very confused mind. He lives in my heart and I will always feel the need to protect him although we are grown and I am unable to do so. He knows I love him, unconditionally.

With my unconditional love come boundaries I can not cross. My heart is always with him and I will not forsake him nor will I enable him to be the person he should have never become. God holds his hand as that is a job I cannot do.

DUDE

In a perfect world children are raised by mom and dad…but the world is not perfect nor are mom and dad always meant to be together. That’s when you are ever so thankful when someone comes into your child’s life who loves them unconditionally as their own. It is priceless. I am lucky…my grandson has that someone in his life, his name is Brian and he is our Rock Star. Today is his birthday….so Happy Birthday Brian and thanks for being the Dude you are!

RAN

MY GRANDSON RUN INTO MY ARMS TODAY…I ALMOST LOST IT. I LOVE THAT BOY…FOREVER AND ALWAYS…NO MATTER WHAT!

TWIST

It’s a dagger to the heart. Pushed in…twisted, twisted, twisted and left. If it’s pulled out, will you simply bleed to death? The twist is worse than the first push as it is long and painful, the extraction is something that may never come, so the waiting becomes something unbearable. Will the next twist be the last or are there more…just a bit of a wait? In the end will the wound be so large it can’t be healed? Time…

SWELL

First…I love all my children…the same, just different. I know that is crazy and makes no sense, but, have you meet me, I am crazy and rarely make sense. But…my baby, Jack, there is just something about that boy that makes my heart swell, makes me melt like butter in the hot sun. He likes to cuddle, he loves his mom, he truly likes to spend time with me and I eat it up.

And then….I have to get on to him and his little heart breaks into a thousand pieces, he has tears. We are trying to do the, “you are not a child anymore, you are a pre-teen”, he needs to be tougher, he can’t be so soft, but my heart is tearing, ripping and falling out of my chest as I watch my baby Jack grow up….oh please, “say it isn’t so”…he’s my baby…forever and always…even when he’s all grown up.

BOOG

I just finished reading a blog about a mother whose child lives in the hospital and has for the last two years…her entire life!  I have tears in my eyes, how on earth does she manage to function from day to day…and then for a brief moment, yes I am going to say it…I thought…how lucky she is!  She can leave her child and know she is cared for and still be her mother and go on about living without having to worry how she is going to go here and there and do this and that because she has her child, who can not be out and about going from here to there. I know, I am not getting the mother of the year award, I just admitted something no one I know would admit because it is so terrible, but how lucky this mother is…I thought for a brief moment…and then I thought…

I would have missed him climbing onto my bed for the first time at five years old. Watching him learn to walk in our backyard pool for the first time at eight.  Seeing him drink out of a cup (be it a sippy cup) at four years old.  Watching him try to move Jack out of his life when he was ten. Taking him to his new class at the High School when he was sixteen.  Seeing his face light up EVERY morning when he sees me…and the list goes on and on.

But then, I thought…for the last 21 years I can’t just up and go when I want.  My entire life is planned around Eric, and what Eric needs and bigger, what Eric wants.  What will make Eric happy and calm.  And…I think I have the best deal…because if I want to sit and hold Eric’s hand I can.  When Eric cries out at night, I, his mother am there for him.  There is nothing in the world that is more important than me being Eric’s mother.  I’m thankful Eric is part of my life journey, he made me who I am today…and I like me…and I LOVE Eric, just because he’s mine!

WTF

If you know me…I am a “forever friend”…my motto being…”If I love you once, I will love you forever”. It’s true, I will hold you in my heart, cry your tears, love from the pit of my soul, fight like a true trailer park girl. All of it, all of it because my love has a passion, words can’t describe it, so be it…I am a “forever friend”. With that being said, I have come to a crossroads, well, the crossroads was years ago, the running off the tracks was a few years later and the all out fall out has been on going since well, for always. It’s like a train wreck that you know is happening, your watching, but you can’t wrap you mind around the fact…it’s derailed but still upright just not on the tracks.

I love from the depths of my soul, I will excuse and I can go toe to toe with any enabler! But kids have to take precedence over all…right? Oh, I know I’m right. I just need someone to explain to me why I know I’m right, and those around me know I’m right, but the law doesn’t get it. How long must we let someone abuse and misuse their children until the law finally says, “enough”? I know there’s been enough, everyone knows there’s been enough, but on and on it goes. It’s like a merry-go-round going so fast everyone is holding on to the horse’s head for fear of being thrown off and some evil devil of a person (their mother) is at the controls of the out of control merry-go-round! Just cackling, that cackle, the cackle which can only be made by a crazy person….but the truth is, she’s not crazy, she is pure evil!

Teflon, that is my new name for my unnamed “friend”. Nothing sticks to her! She can break the law into a million little pieces, set it on fire and watch it burn and nothing, nothing will happen to her. I know she is a manipulator, one of the best, but aren’t there “trained professionals” who should be able to see through the manipulation? I know people, people who have done so much less and are paying such a higher price. Some are sitting in a State or Federal lock-up as I type this. So I ask, why is she Teflon? Some where some how the “system” has dropped the ball, let her children down, no, not let them down, they have been down, now they are just being stepped on, stepped around or kicked emotionally. Every child loves their mother, and I’m sure that’s been all used up and now we are on to pity in that department. Raw heart-break. Only a child can have a heart-break so deep that it is ridged with the ability to still have love.

There have been many times “the system” could have stopped the situation, but Teflon has made it through. Nothing sticks! I know people in the “system”…people who have committed petty crimes and are being punished as they well should be. I have to admit I don’t know anyone, besides Teflon, who has a “battery of a Peace Officer” charge and “child endangerment” and numberous DUI’s, Telflon does! Here in the great state of Texas, you would not be out toiling around with such charges. Let alone, drinking, abusing her children, mistreating her dying mother, living off of whom ever she can swindle, shop lifting alcohol and whatever else she may “need” and not attending mandatory alcohol and drug counseling, which was ordered to her by the courts of New Mexico! I just need someone to explain this to me. Explain it to me in a language and a way that I will believe and understand, because right now, I am dumbfounded! Shame on the State of New Mexico and the City of Las Cruces!
All’s I can say is “what the hell”? and…that’s all I’m going to say about that!

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