There is really nothing “wrong” with me, but everything is “wrong”.  I know, it makes no sense…I feel a turmoil rising inside of my being.  It’s like a dark cloud in my chest trying to escape the body it has been trapped in.   Rain, Rain…down came the rain pouring from my eyes,  for no real reason, just because.   I feel a pain deep inside my soul, my spirit,  that I just can’t shake today.  I am trying to move this herd which has settled inside of my heart,  without medication, but the movement has not even started.  I feel my throat choke when I think I have to take medication to move myself to a better place.  This was not what I expected from my life.  I am strong, I am, I know I am, but I am not strong enough for this beast.

Things that usually lift my soul, make me feel whole, make me smile and live my life out loud,  are gone, taken from me by something I fear will become bigger than me.  I know it’s not forever, but as I close my eyes and wish these things back, wish so hard my chest tightens and I feel a huge lump in my throat…nothing, nothing, nothing.  It’s like when I try to make myself think “happy”, it simply,  can’t….and then comes the rain, pouring  from my eyes. 

This happens in the snap of a finger. The change is like a wind blowing across my soul, picking up misery and dumping it into my head, in an instant a change in my atmosphere.   I wish I could explain it to someone, then maybe I could grasp and understand it better myself.  My mind will only think one train of thought, one emotion at a time.  When did I get to this place?  What happened to the whole person I used to be?  I am but a shell of myself when my heart is tight like a rope, so tight it could be walked on and I could not feel one footstep. 

My soul is not broken, my life is good, but this haunting which has set up house in my being has a hold on me.  I just need to breath, to will it to let go so I can go back to being me.  Being the person I love.  I want to be a better me, but I am consumed with a feeling I have no control over.  This is one of those times, prayer and God will see me through…and God will understand if it takes me a while, he will understand if I need a push.  The thing is, I want to someday move on without a push.

I have been thinking a lot about my life and what I give to others.  I strive to be the best Wife, Mother, Daughter and Friend I can be.  I try to give of myself  raw and filled with love.  I have been blessed with a wonderful life, not always an easy life, but a wonderful life.  My life is full…full of love, passion, laughter, tears, heartache, adventure and most of all JOY! 

Every part of my life has true meaning to the person I am today.  My parents adopting me oh so many years ago, my friends who helped me find myself while growing up, my church which gave me stability through the years, my husband who let me learn who I was and has loved me all along the way,  my children who showed me love is unconditional and for always and forever.

I may not walk, talk and live the way I am expected to by others, but I do walk, talk and live like I expect me too.  I want to be the best me I can be and I get a lot of help along the way from both family, old friends and new friends.  One of the greatest things about my life is I never shy away from learning, I am not afraid to STEP OUT OF THE BOX if there is a lesson to be learned.  I have no fear in introducing myself to people, therefore I have met some of the most interesting and fantastic people around.  I have no fear in praising others.  If someone does something well, I love to tell them, I love to see people beam with pride.  Pride is a good thing, it can carry us during those lull times in life. 

Laughter, it plays such a big part in my life.  I love to laugh out loud!  It makes your heart sing.  Just talking, being silly and laughing is priceless and it is FREE!  I have fun…I mean I truly have fun in my life.  I may be quirky, different and talk to loud,  but in all I do I strive to have fun, and I beam if those around me are having fun as well.

When someone hurts whether I know you well or not, I hurt…my soul truly feels your pain and I hope I can help others and just be THERE when they are hurting.  I can’t always do anything, but my heart can be there and I am truly connected to my heart.  My love is deep and heart felt.

I have suffered true heartbreak in my life.  Heartbreak to the point the devastation was tearing at my soul piece by piece and I felt the blood drain as I tried to breath in the reality of what was happening to me.  The most devastating heartbreak I have experienced in my life turned out to be one of the best things to happen in my life, it turned out to be the one thing that made me a better person. 

When Eric was born and the Doctor said he would not live, I truly felt my heart break into a million little pieces and begin to make its way through my veins trying to find a way out of the shell of my body, my brain could not function, it could not possibly grasp what lay ahead for our family.  As I sat on the hospital bed next to my husband trying to listen to instructions on where he was going etc., my brain broke and began to find it’s way into my veins looking for an escape just as my heart.  I could not hold my child, I did not want to be connected to this being who was going to be taken from me.  Oh, I LOVED him, I could not find the strength in my being to hold him and comfort him as I felt there was no comfort to be had…my husband was a pillar, he held him and never questioned why I felt the way I did. 

My best friend, The Pope, had just given birth a few weeks before to a beautiful baby boy.  She was basking in her joy and I had joy for her, until my baby was born, my joy went away and was replaced with envy.  Yet daily she left her new baby at home, came to the hospital to hold me and just be THERE.  She didn’t have to say anything, she knew my heart was broken and there was no fixing it, she planted herself there to be my strength.  As I look back I can not imagine how she felt leaving her newborn to be with me…she was selfless. 

When anyone told me it was going to be “okay”, I knew in my heart my life as I knew it was never going to be “okay”.  Little did I know it was going to be BETTER and it would set me on a journey to having a wonderful life, with wonderful people and knowledge beyond my wildest dreams.  Life handed me a gift and when I finally felt strong enough to embrace the gift and open it, it changed me!  It made me understand  the true meaning of being  unselfish,non judgemental, and to love truly unconditional with no expectations in return.  I never dreamed I would know the love I know today. 

Each journey we embark on will lead us to a treasure if we just take our time and reach that destiny and embrace it.  You may have to patch your heart and soul along the way, but in the end when the patching is finished you have created a better heart and soul and added new pieces.

Dear God,

I can’t do this.  I know they say you do not give a person more than they can handle, well you have dropped the ball on this one.  I can not handle the stress anymore.  Taking care of sick kids and parents is slowly beating me down and I feel myself on the verge of snapping right in two.  I feel so stretched, I have not time to even spend a few minutes with myself to re-charge.  My head is spinning at such a rate I can’t even reach to stop it.  I feel my heart is going to explode with the grief I feel about this situation.  I know this is my “job”, but I think it may be time for me to be fired, layed off or whatever you do in these situations.   I want to be taken from this situation, run from this situation, close my eyes and when they re-open, there be nothing but white light. 

 I am one second away from totally snapping out of control and then I fear there will be no reeling me back in to be the wife, mother, daughter  and friend I am supposed to be.  I need a vacation, but I fear  I am not able to even plan a vacation…if I have to plan one thing, I will simply fall apart.  The mere thought of having to think makes the tears in my eyes sting and cry with pain. I am reeling in a dark black hole trying to figure out how to function on a daily basis, let alone plan something, do something or go somewhere.  So please God, set me free.  This current plan is not working, I am dying slowly…I am not the same person I used to be.  I do not like or want to be around the person I have become.  I need to feel the breeze and be set free.  I am broken and I do not see me ever being fixed.

Put me on a cloud and take me…I’m ready more than ready!