LOST

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

  • Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

Living in a fog as I no longer see my life clearly. It happens everyday and I have no idea what is really going on around me. My life is basically a theatrical performance on a daily basis. When I am happy, I fear something bad is going to happen. Should I be happy? How can I possibly smile when I am missing something so important in my life? As the world moves on around me I feel stuck in a vacuum of grief. I can’t release it.

I perform on a daily basis. I laugh out loud. I hold conversation…and then it hits me like a wind storm, the sand biting at my heart…My child is gone. I will never touch him again, I will never watch him sleep, I will never see his smile. I will never lock eyes with him and have the look of pure love stare back at me. I just can’t wrap my mind around something so final. This is not my life, and then I realize this is my life now and tears spring from my eyes.

My love has always been deep, unconditional and pure. If I love you, I truly love you. If I had known the heartbreak I would encounter from such love I don’t know if I would have chosen to love in such a profound way. I fear I am going to lose someone else who lives in my heart. I want to back away and just watch life from afar. As I

Bobber
Bobber
try to “just be”, I long for peace. I long to be okay and my reality is…I’m okay, for a few minutes and then it hits me like lightning cracking at my heart, I’m not okay and I’m simply never going to be okay.

Please just hold my hand. It calms my heart…

ONLY

It’s 2:00am the time you took your last breath.I would of been up had I been home! I’m so sorry my beautiful baby boy…I want you back, just one more day…

EMPTY…

Today I have missed you from a place deep within my soul. I want to hold your hand one more time, I want to hug you tight…I want to sit next to you and feel you breath. I want to see you fast asleep in the middle of the night. I know I will never have any of these things and my life feels very empty today. It rains from my heart and spills over into my eyes, down my cheeks. I don’t want to move today because when I walk into the next room I know you are not there, I will not see you. I hope you know how much I loved you. You filled my life with a joy that is simply…gone…I will love you forever…you made me a mother…

THREE

Three little girls…I knew them from afar but they were such a part of my heart. I loved them but had never hugged them…it mattered not because soon they came and my world was forever changed…I held them, talked to them, clothed them, fed them and my life was better for loving them.

Now…as I watch as their hearts are breaking…again, I am afar…but they each now hold a piece of my heart in the palm of a hand I have held. As their lives are forever changed my love for them remains.

I will not dwell on the devastation, but on the healing of the hearts breaking. Time heals the wounds that pierce the soul…but will we ever know the toll taken on three little girls…

BROTHER

My brother and I were both adopted. We do not have the same blood line coursing through our veins but we are “real” brother and sister. I do not think of us not being “related”, as we grew up together and had a true brother and sister love. We had fun together, we laughed, we fought ( I was much meaner) and we cried.

As we grew up it became apparent how truly different we were. Our judgements, views, behavior etc. greatly varied. We were still close. I always felt very protective of my brother. As if he needed me to keep him from harms way. I remember feeling this as a young girl. I felt as if he was not capable of caring for himself and it was my job to take the steps to make sure he was cared for. Reel him back in when he would slip and lose his footing.

It has become very apparent in our adulthood, he is not able to make good decisions and care for himself the way he should be cared for. Nor is he able to care for others, even those he loves, the way they deserve. He has left many heart-broken over poor choices and mistakes that can not be erased. I think what he once thought to be a “carefree” life style has become a life of reckless abandon. I hear the comment often, “at least you were adopted”. It makes my heart sad as he is my brother. My true brother, who I love from deep in my soul. His destiny may have been slated by another blood line, but his reality is, he is my brother…forever.

Even as a young child he was always searching for something. Something more, something bigger, something better, someone to make him happy, someone he could make happy. As time went on he found some of these things and others were much to far out of his reach because of the reckless lifestyle he embraced and seemed unable to shake. The emptiness became bigger and darker, deeper and wider. He is still a loving kind person who is trapped in a very confused mind. He lives in my heart and I will always feel the need to protect him although we are grown and I am unable to do so. He knows I love him, unconditionally.

With my unconditional love come boundaries I can not cross. My heart is always with him and I will not forsake him nor will I enable him to be the person he should have never become. God holds his hand as that is a job I cannot do.

TWIST

It’s a dagger to the heart. Pushed in…twisted, twisted, twisted and left. If it’s pulled out, will you simply bleed to death? The twist is worse than the first push as it is long and painful, the extraction is something that may never come, so the waiting becomes something unbearable. Will the next twist be the last or are there more…just a bit of a wait? In the end will the wound be so large it can’t be healed? Time…

WTF

If you know me…I am a “forever friend”…my motto being…”If I love you once, I will love you forever”. It’s true, I will hold you in my heart, cry your tears, love from the pit of my soul, fight like a true trailer park girl. All of it, all of it because my love has a passion, words can’t describe it, so be it…I am a “forever friend”. With that being said, I have come to a crossroads, well, the crossroads was years ago, the running off the tracks was a few years later and the all out fall out has been on going since well, for always. It’s like a train wreck that you know is happening, your watching, but you can’t wrap you mind around the fact…it’s derailed but still upright just not on the tracks.

I love from the depths of my soul, I will excuse and I can go toe to toe with any enabler! But kids have to take precedence over all…right? Oh, I know I’m right. I just need someone to explain to me why I know I’m right, and those around me know I’m right, but the law doesn’t get it. How long must we let someone abuse and misuse their children until the law finally says, “enough”? I know there’s been enough, everyone knows there’s been enough, but on and on it goes. It’s like a merry-go-round going so fast everyone is holding on to the horse’s head for fear of being thrown off and some evil devil of a person (their mother) is at the controls of the out of control merry-go-round! Just cackling, that cackle, the cackle which can only be made by a crazy person….but the truth is, she’s not crazy, she is pure evil!

Teflon, that is my new name for my unnamed “friend”. Nothing sticks to her! She can break the law into a million little pieces, set it on fire and watch it burn and nothing, nothing will happen to her. I know she is a manipulator, one of the best, but aren’t there “trained professionals” who should be able to see through the manipulation? I know people, people who have done so much less and are paying such a higher price. Some are sitting in a State or Federal lock-up as I type this. So I ask, why is she Teflon? Some where some how the “system” has dropped the ball, let her children down, no, not let them down, they have been down, now they are just being stepped on, stepped around or kicked emotionally. Every child loves their mother, and I’m sure that’s been all used up and now we are on to pity in that department. Raw heart-break. Only a child can have a heart-break so deep that it is ridged with the ability to still have love.

There have been many times “the system” could have stopped the situation, but Teflon has made it through. Nothing sticks! I know people in the “system”…people who have committed petty crimes and are being punished as they well should be. I have to admit I don’t know anyone, besides Teflon, who has a “battery of a Peace Officer” charge and “child endangerment” and numberous DUI’s, Telflon does! Here in the great state of Texas, you would not be out toiling around with such charges. Let alone, drinking, abusing her children, mistreating her dying mother, living off of whom ever she can swindle, shop lifting alcohol and whatever else she may “need” and not attending mandatory alcohol and drug counseling, which was ordered to her by the courts of New Mexico! I just need someone to explain this to me. Explain it to me in a language and a way that I will believe and understand, because right now, I am dumbfounded! Shame on the State of New Mexico and the City of Las Cruces!
All’s I can say is “what the hell”? and…that’s all I’m going to say about that!

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