I live with great passion. I love with passion and I spew passion. With this same passion I love my friends and family. I will fight for my friends and family with this same passion…have no doubt…I will win…
WINNING
MONEY…TALKS
I have gotten lots of messages about why I am not an organ donor. It is not that I don’t care about human life. It is the total opposite, but, ALL human life. Not just if you are rich, famous, “normal”, etc. Everyone should be treated the same.
Eric was on and off the donor list numerous times as an infant. As he grew older and the damage done to his brain BECAUSE of his liver failure was more apparent, he was no longer a candidate for transplant. His quality of life was not up to par. Are you kidding me? I wrestled with so many emotions, I fought my mind knowing what they were saying made some kind of sense but was not my reality.
At that moment, I made a conscience decision to not be a donor. My children are not donors and my husbands organs will stay intact as well. It’s something we talked about and agreed upon long ago.
Now, if you need Jack’s cord blood and I know you are going to get it, it’s yours free and clear. If you need my kidney and I know you are going to get it, it’s yours, no question. If you need our bone morrow, it’s our gift to you. The fact that our organs go into a bank for someone else to decide who gets them is unacceptable to me. Money should have no baring…and don’t try to tell me different, I have been in the “donor world” for almost 22 years now. I know what I’m talking about…
For example…Mikey Mantle…he had CANCER and they transplanted him. I’m not a Doctor and I could have told you that had FAILURE written all over it! He was moved up the list past many who were healthy and waiting on a liver for a long time. I know this as fact. He was transplanted because of who he was and how much money he had. I have seen this over and over again in the past 22 years. Then you are going to try to convince me my child does not have the quality of life necessary to receive an organ. It’s never going to happen. You will never convince me, I can’t argue about it. I did for years and I’m tired, I don’t have it in me.
So we are not organ donors. But we are good people.
PIRATE
I love this little boy standing at the end of my bed.. My heart swells. I am thankful he has parents who love him every day. My time with him is precious and I am blessed every minute he is with me. A gift…
PARENTING
I often question my parenting skills. I am not what you would call a “natural” in the parenting department. I have had to learn along the way. This is one of those things in life I think some are just born with the knowledge and run with it while I have had to find the knowledge and dig it out of a hole and then try to apply it to the best of my ability to my three great children. I think a lot of my parenting is lacking due to the fact my children are all so “different”…I mean REALLY different. I know I know all kids are different, blah blah blah…well let me just lay out my differences for ya.
Bobby, my First Born, I call him First Born like it is his first name, that could be part of the problem right…ya don’t say! He was a near perfect child, rarely in trouble, straight A’s without even trying, quiet, loved to read, truly a joy. I don’t think he ever embarrassed me in all his growing up years. I’m sure he would not adhere to the same from me. I really didn’t have to “do” much for Bobby, he was just so wonderful, easy, loving. One of those kids you dream about. So I thought…heck this is easy…let’s do it again…
Eric was born and life began to grow its own mind. I was not inclined to be receptive to this nor did I have any idea what on earth God was thinking giving me a child who required so much when I knew so little. As I muddled through his first few years I was much like a crazy person, demanding, not taking no for an answer. I can’t count how many times I said, “Yes I know you are a doctor, social specialist, etc, but I am HIS MOTHER, I do count in case you didn’t get the memo from God that was delivered down upon Eric’s arrival here on earth”. So for the first few years life was a battle…a battle I won. Ask any of those doctors today, they went down without a count and together we made a great life for Eric.
One of the greatest compliments I have ever received is from his surgeon…he said “Dotti, when I die and come back, I want to come back as your handicap child”…I had tears for I had success in raising one of my children.
Jack…Oh my Jack. He is a love bug, a huger, loves affection, me, not so much, I’m good with the get er done part but the extras I have had to learn. He needs a hug, he needs to talk, he wants to tell you how he feels, he always doesn’t feel like I think he should etc. He is a great delightful child but he needs me for totally different reasons than Eric does and reasons Bobby never required. In the last 12 years I have had to learn to take time to be a mother. It has been a most rewarding lesson to me.
But this is where the not so good a parent part comes in. I don’t know how to just do, I have to control and it has been really unfair to Bobby, when it was time for him to control he still looks to me for control because I never taught him. To be honest I had no idea how to teach him, he was so self-sufficient as a child and then came Eric who could not survive without me, Bobby was lost somewhere in between Eric getting older and Jack coming 13 years later. We are learning one day at a time.
I wrestle with great guilt when it comes to my children. My heart could not love them anymore and no one can care for them the way I do. But…I’ve let things go that should have been stopped, because I was just so happy one of my kids was going to really enjoy life. I know Eric enjoys life, he has a great life because we love him so, but I mourn for what is not going to be and I think this has made me more liberal with my other children in areas liberation should have been snuffed out. Everything Jack and Bobby do is just amazing and it’s at these times it is a harsh realization Eric will never ever do those things. It tears at your heart strings.
I can’t go back I can only move forward and I know I have made grave mistakes. But I know my heart bursts with love like no other for each one of them regardless of the mistakes. I can’t change the past and I muddle through the future and my love for them is eternal. God bless them.
I have conquered one aspect of parenting that I often see others struggle with. I have total unconditional love, regardless of the circumstance I love you, I accept you, I am proud of you and if anybody asks I have no hesitation sharing, that’s another blog…I need a sensor, I’m an over sharer. But I believe accepting our children is one of the greatest rewards of parenting, they may not do or be who you want but they are you…inside and out♥ Oh, and someday I’ll figure out that whole spell check thing, until then…just love me!
BROTHER
My brother and I were both adopted. We do not have the same blood line coursing through our veins but we are “real” brother and sister. I do not think of us not being “related”, as we grew up together and had a true brother and sister love. We had fun together, we laughed, we fought ( I was much meaner) and we cried.
As we grew up it became apparent how truly different we were. Our judgements, views, behavior etc. greatly varied. We were still close. I always felt very protective of my brother. As if he needed me to keep him from harms way. I remember feeling this as a young girl. I felt as if he was not capable of caring for himself and it was my job to take the steps to make sure he was cared for. Reel him back in when he would slip and lose his footing.
It has become very apparent in our adulthood, he is not able to make good decisions and care for himself the way he should be cared for. Nor is he able to care for others, even those he loves, the way they deserve. He has left many heart-broken over poor choices and mistakes that can not be erased. I think what he once thought to be a “carefree” life style has become a life of reckless abandon. I hear the comment often, “at least you were adopted”. It makes my heart sad as he is my brother. My true brother, who I love from deep in my soul. His destiny may have been slated by another blood line, but his reality is, he is my brother…forever.
Even as a young child he was always searching for something. Something more, something bigger, something better, someone to make him happy, someone he could make happy. As time went on he found some of these things and others were much to far out of his reach because of the reckless lifestyle he embraced and seemed unable to shake. The emptiness became bigger and darker, deeper and wider. He is still a loving kind person who is trapped in a very confused mind. He lives in my heart and I will always feel the need to protect him although we are grown and I am unable to do so. He knows I love him, unconditionally.
With my unconditional love come boundaries I can not cross. My heart is always with him and I will not forsake him nor will I enable him to be the person he should have never become. God holds his hand as that is a job I cannot do.
TEETERING ON THE EDGE... 