FEAR

Why can’t I find my way?  Why do I have such fear growing inside of me like a stalker?  Why can’t I move past heartbreak? Why can’t I just love openly anymore? Why do I think about what it would feel like to just “be gone”?  Why can’t I feel real joy?  Why can’t I really sleep without my mind racing?  Why do I stay up for fear of sleeping?  Why do I not want the life I now am forced to live? Why?

I ask myself these questions everyday.  I try to feel a deep dark void with other things and briefly I feel a shimmer of happiness.  And then…darkness overtakes me.  I am intertwined in a world I know nothing about.  I don’t know how to maneuver out of the place I am in.  I think about things that have never entered my mind before, that I never understood and now it is an option.  I shut my love on and off for fear of being hurt.  I can’t just embrace life with the force I once did.  I stand at a distance and wait for something to breeze by and I will just take that moment but I want nothing more.  I don’t want to love and feel passion as I once thought was the only way to live.  I want to shut my self off. 

Is this the life of someone broken?  Is this the life of someone selfish to the point they can’t love another? Have I become someone who has not the ability to move beyond?  I am afraid of everything when at one time I was afraid of nothing.  I fear the smallest thing will be life alterting.  I just don’t want to “be”.  I want to let go,  but the grasp I have on fear is so tight it is suffacating.  I can’t do,  for fear I will love, I can’t love for fear I will loose, I can’t loose for fear I won’t survive. My heart is wrapped so tight I feel it pulsating in my chest.  I just want me again…and I have no idea where I am or how to get me back to the place I was so happy, the life I loved and the joy I embraced like a breath of fresh air.