EVER

I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul.  I can’t…it is to deep.  When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big.  I will never have my son back.  I can not wrap my brain around the thought.  I go about doing this and that for this one and that one,  trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again.  Will my heart ever heal?  Will I feel true joy?  Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?  

There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now.  I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am.  I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again.  Would not being the old me make me a better new me?  

I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me?  Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found?  Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this,  but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…