motherhood – TEETERING ON THE EDGE…

I miss my son. I will never see him or hear him again on this earth. I’m envious of those who have this privilege. It’s unfair and heart wrenching.

I feel true green envy. I cover my ears as I don’t want to hear their joy. I close my eyes as I don’t want to see their happiness. It hurts my soul.

Uncomfortable feelings and reactions are blazing present. I can’t hide them. They are real, front and center.

My heart hurts, I can feel my eyes fill with tears, my chest tightens with pain. I’m jealous, it’s ugly. My jaw tightens. I just don’t have any happiness for your happiness today. Please just move along…

I miss my son. I will never see him or hear him again on this earth. I’m envious of those who have this privilege. It’s unfair and heart wrenching.

I feel true green envy. I cover my ears as I don’t want to hear their joy. I close my eyes as I don’t want to see their happiness. It hurts my soul.

Uncomfortable feelings and reactions are blazing present. I can’t hide them. They are real, front and center.

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

As I struggle to realize it has almost been a year since I lost you…my heart hurts. It seems like yesterday I touched you, talked to you, spent time with you, hugged you, lay next to you. I can not fathom what my life is going to be like forever without you. It is something I can’t wrap my mind around. Oh I’ve tried, but it is so beyond the realm of my being it is impossible.
I think most everyone has the feeling I should be over it, moving on, etc. I have to be honest that is never going to happen. I am clinging to dear life here. I am holding on to whatever I can grasp and I dig in trying to feel some relief from the pain that has over taken my soul. I love to much, I know this, but I am having the hardest time trying to change who I am.
The cold hard reality is… I will forever be me…without you…I have no idea who I am…

Tag: motherhood

GREEN

LOST

REALIZE