On The Edge WordPress.com weblog
I feel my heart breaking. I’ve been on the mend, but today my eyes rain. My soul is wrecked. It’s hard when you love so much it hurts and you try to let go, but the pull of emotion rips to your core. It’s like running in quicksand…and I’m sinking…
Everything happening around me bites at my soul. It stings. My face is stained like a plate glass window in the rain. There is no cover. It is open, raw and bare. There is no reflection as there is no light shining.
And…tomorrow is a new day…
At the moment, I feel as if I simply may bleed to death from the hole left in my heart…I just want to cry, but, I don’t have the energy…
Please just hold my hand…
We danced, You died, I cried, It hurts…
A year ago today I laid you to rest…A year ago today a part of me left…I love you forever…
As I struggle to realize it has almost been a year since I lost you…my heart hurts. It seems like yesterday I touched you, talked to you, spent time with you, hugged you, lay next to you. I can not fathom what my life is going to be like forever without you. It is something I can’t wrap my mind around. Oh I’ve tried, but it is so beyond the realm of my being it is impossible.
I think most everyone has the feeling I should be over it, moving on, etc. I have to be honest that is never going to happen. I am clinging to dear life here. I am holding on to whatever I can grasp and I dig in trying to feel some relief from the pain that has over taken my soul. I love to much, I know this, but I am having the hardest time trying to change who I am.
The cold hard reality is… I will forever be me…without you…I have no idea who I am…
The slip of the hand, the cut of a blade, would all the pain just go away…
I pulled an envelope out of a drawer today and it had your Graduation Announcement and Grad Party invitations in it…my heart dropped, my eyes filled with tears and I longed to hold your hand. I miss you…my heart is forever broken. I want you here, next to me.
There is not one minute I am not thinking of you. I miss how you loved me, how we laughed. I want that joy…but it vanished with you…
Why can’t I find my way? Why do I have such fear growing inside of me like a stalker? Why can’t I move past heartbreak? Why can’t I just love openly anymore? Why do I think about what it would feel like to just “be gone”? Why can’t I feel real joy? Why can’t I really sleep without my mind racing? Why do I stay up for fear of sleeping? Why do I not want the life I now am forced to live? Why?
I ask myself these questions everyday. I try to feel a deep dark void with other things and briefly I feel a shimmer of happiness. And then…darkness overtakes me. I am intertwined in a world I know nothing about. I don’t know how to maneuver out of the place I am in. I think about things that have never entered my mind before, that I never understood and now it is an option. I shut my love on and off for fear of being hurt. I can’t just embrace life with the force I once did. I stand at a distance and wait for something to breeze by and I will just take that moment but I want nothing more. I don’t want to love and feel passion as I once thought was the only way to live. I want to shut my self off.
Is this the life of someone broken? Is this the life of someone selfish to the point they can’t love another? Have I become someone who has not the ability to move beyond? I am afraid of everything when at one time I was afraid of nothing. I fear the smallest thing will be life alterting. I just don’t want to “be”. I want to let go, but the grasp I have on fear is so tight it is suffacating. I can’t do, for fear I will love, I can’t love for fear I will loose, I can’t loose for fear I won’t survive. My heart is wrapped so tight I feel it pulsating in my chest. I just want me again…and I have no idea where I am or how to get me back to the place I was so happy, the life I loved and the joy I embraced like a breath of fresh air.
It’s 2:00am the time you took your last breath.I would of been up had I been home! I’m so sorry my beautiful baby boy…I want you back, just one more day…
I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul. I can’t…it is to deep. When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big. I will never have my son back. I can not wrap my brain around the thought. I go about doing this and that for this one and that one, trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again. Will my heart ever heal? Will I feel true joy? Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?
There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now. I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am. I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again. Would not being the old me make me a better new me?
I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me? Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found? Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this, but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…
TEETERING ON THE EDGE... 