Life can be intense. People can be cruel. As sad and true as it may be, Its real.
LOST
Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…
I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.
- Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…
Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.
I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.
Living in a fog as I no longer see my life clearly. It happens everyday and I have no idea what is really going on around me. My life is basically a theatrical performance on a daily basis. When I am happy, I fear something bad is going to happen. Should I be happy? How can I possibly smile when I am missing something so important in my life? As the world moves on around me I feel stuck in a vacuum of grief. I can’t release it.
I perform on a daily basis. I laugh out loud. I hold conversation…and then it hits me like a wind storm, the sand biting at my heart…My child is gone. I will never touch him again, I will never watch him sleep, I will never see his smile. I will never lock eyes with him and have the look of pure love stare back at me. I just can’t wrap my mind around something so final. This is not my life, and then I realize this is my life now and tears spring from my eyes.
My love has always been deep, unconditional and pure. If I love you, I truly love you. If I had known the heartbreak I would encounter from such love I don’t know if I would have chosen to love in such a profound way. I fear I am going to lose someone else who lives in my heart. I want to back away and just watch life from afar. As I 
Please just hold my hand. It calms my heart…
ONLY
It’s 2:00am the time you took your last breath.I would of been up had I been home! I’m so sorry my beautiful baby boy…I want you back, just one more day…
EVER
I try everyday to fill a deep hole in my soul. I can’t…it is to deep. When I stop for a brief moment to think about what is lost the hole expands and I have no idea how to fill a hole so big. I will never have my son back. I can not wrap my brain around the thought. I go about doing this and that for this one and that one, trying to make some sense of the loss I now feel, trying to fill a void that has taken up residence in my heart. Doing makes me happy for a brief moment and then I feel the void all over again. Will my heart ever heal? Will I feel true joy? Will I ever stop missing holding his hand, sitting next to him, looking at him, talking to him?
There is not a part of me he was not a part of and I am missing a part of me now. I want to guard my love, not love deep, hold my passion, be selfish with my heart…but I can’t it’s not who I am. I don’t ever want to feel pain like this again so I reason with myself to hold my heart in, to guard my passion and the pain will never eclipse me again. Would not being the old me make me a better new me?
I have so many unanswered questions…Why is my son not here with me? Why is my heart broken into so many pieces I don’t think they can all be found? Why is life moving on around me and I feel like I am set in the stone cold of the deep earth where my son was laid to rest…life is not fair and I know this, but I have no idea how to explain such a simple concept to my heart…
BALANCE
sitting laying here in sadness, Eric came into my room and would pace and walk out of my room and pace and it dawned on me…he is feeling my emotion and I am making him uncomfortable. So I continued to lay here and he came and laid beside me.
Beside me he did not feel comfort so he sat up for a moment, then he got up and again began to pace. As I listened to him move about I realize, I am his everything. I take total care of him, I am his voice, I am his comfort, I am his joy and I am the one who cares for him in sadness. He knows nothing else and I have to be all of those things for him everyday or he is lost.
It’s not a job, it’s an honor and I cherish every moment with him. He changed me the day he was born, made me a better me. At the same time, I changed the day Bobby died and I am having a hard time finding who the new me is. But, Eric does not understand any of that. He just knows his life is off-balance and he needs me.
I noticed yesterday as I lay in bed, Jack came in and out of my room over and over…his life is off-balance too. He should be in his room feeling totally secure playing games and being a kid. He should not have to feel off-balance because I am off-balance. I just need some help figuring out how to get back on balance. I know, time, but my kids don’t have time, they have now and now is what is important. So with my “magic Mom powers” as my kids have always said, I will fight my way back to who I was…one day at a time.
TEACHING
I have taught my children three things…love unconditionally, giving to others will bring you great happiness and friends and family are forever and always…if they never learn another thing from me, I will always know they will have learned the three most important things to my heart♥♥
EMPTY…
Today I have missed you from a place deep within my soul. I want to hold your hand one more time, I want to hug you tight…I want to sit next to you and feel you breath. I want to see you fast asleep in the middle of the night. I know I will never have any of these things and my life feels very empty today. It rains from my heart and spills over into my eyes, down my cheeks. I don’t want to move today because when I walk into the next room I know you are not there, I will not see you. I hope you know how much I loved you. You filled my life with a joy that is simply…gone…I will love you forever…you made me a mother…
WOODY♥
Being around someone who makes your heart sing is priceless…knowing they are in your life for ever is bliss…I love this boy. He makes me laugh out loud, makes my heart fill with pride and brings a passion to my soul. I could hug him forever…He’s my nephew. That special someone who you don’t raise, but you get to enjoy all the benefits of their being. There is a joy in a nephew that bubbles in my soul…I love him much♥
HAPPENING
When happiness implode’s your heart, the fullness overtakes you and makes the smile on your face unable to disappear. Watching my nieces and nephews and all the kids who I love so dear go to Prom and get married has been one of the greatest joys of my life. These past few weeks it has been a wave of pure joy and everyone has caught it! It makes me want to hug them so tight I may never let go and it takes our breath away. The love for them is intoxicating. Words are not big enough to explain how my heart burst’s with joy for them. The beauty, the smile, the glow of it all will simply overtake you.
In the shadow of all the bliss, a little piece of my heart breaks as this should be my Eric’s time to do all these things as well. The day will never come, and if I give it a second to take over my mind, the heart-break becomes almost unbearable. The tears flow, my body jerks as I sob with a pain so deep it tears my soul. Then I remember all I have to be thankful for and how blessed I am to have been given such a gift and I know my life is exactly as it should be. It doesn’t make the heart-break less painful, but it does make it oh so much more bearable. It’s my life…and my life is a great adventure.
The give and take in this life is what keeps us going, makes us strong and builds the love we have for one another. The love I feel comes from a place deep within. It is nourished and guarded. With the beauty of those I love comes a deep committment and passion from the depth of my soul.
TEETERING ON THE EDGE... 