GREEN

I miss my son. I will never see him or hear him again on this earth. I’m envious of those who have this privilege. It’s unfair and heart wrenching.

I feel true green envy. I cover my ears as I don’t want to hear their joy. I close my eyes as I don’t want to see their happiness. It hurts my soul.

Uncomfortable feelings and reactions are blazing present. I can’t hide them. They are real, front and center.

My heart hurts, I can feel my eyes fill with tears, my chest tightens with pain. I’m jealous, it’s ugly. My jaw tightens. I just don’t have any happiness for your happiness today. Please just move along…

I miss my son. I will never see him or hear him again on this earth. I’m envious of those who have this privilege. It’s unfair and heart wrenching.

I feel true green envy. I cover my ears as I don’t want to hear their joy. I close my eyes as I don’t want to see their happiness. It hurts my soul.

Uncomfortable feelings and reactions are blazing present. I can’t hide them. They are real, front and center.

If I repeat this enough maybe it will slither away…

October 29, 2018 1

NONE

I miss you every single day. Every day. Six years is a very long time to miss someone. My heart aches every day for you. Just one more moment. Just one more hug. Just one more peace sign. Just one more minute.

I just want to curl up and sleep. Have my heart stop beating in my ears. Cry. Try to hide my red rimmed eyes and my tear stained cheeks. Have control of my emotions. Turn my heart to stone so the pain can’t penetrate my soul.

I want to stop the feeling of panic. The feeling something is off. I can’t because you are not here. Something is very off. Completely off. I can not even begin to imagine forever. No, I’m just not ready.

Is a holiday really a holiday if you’re not here? Is a birthday really a birthday if you’re not here? Is life really moving forward if your not here? Questions with no answers or the answers are to painful to bring to the surface of my heart. Deep rooted pain. A pain with claws so sharpe with every breath they pierce my heart.

You are frozen in my mind. You are always there. Always in my thoughts. When I move I think of you. When I laugh I think of you. When I breathe I think of you. I feel my insides on the outside. I often wonder if others see how I feel? Am I hiding it well? Does my laughter cover the pain? Questions I can not answer.

My blood rushes inside with no where to go. My mind spins like a top out of control. Finding a new normal is not a journey I can emotionally embrace right now. I need space. I need…I have no idea what I need…I just want my kid back…something I can never have and something I’m very emotionally ill prepared for. It’s beyond my imagination to live without you. I can’t…

This is my journey. I look around and wonder if anyone can hear my heart beating, my blood rushing. This journey has taken a piece of me I fight to get back. I’m tired. I’m drained, I’m angry, I’m sad. Honestly I have no idea what I am. None…

December 22, 2017 0

THIRTY

I celebrated my son’s 30th birthday without him. My heart aches. My soul spins. My mind is numb. He’s gone. I feel a void so deep there are no words.

The reality, my reality… I will spend the rest of my life without him…

April 25, 2015 0

LONG

It’s a long hard day when the day is long and hard…

August 11, 2014 0

HUG

Dear Bobby,

We drove to the airport. We talked about everything. You unloaded my suitcase. We hugged goodbye. I turned around to say “I love you”. You waved as you drove away. Jack and I jumped on a plane to go see our Minnesota Family.

We woke up in Minnesota. Life was beautiful. We sat down for lunch. We laughed. Your dad called from Texas. You were gone. My life changed forever. I will miss you forever. I will love you for eternity…

Love,
Mom

August 9, 2014 1

Living in a fog as I no longer see my life clearly. It happens everyday and I have no idea what is really going on around me. My life is basically a theatrical performance on a daily basis. When I am happy, I fear something bad is going to happen. Should I be happy? How can I possibly smile when I am missing something so important in my life? As the world moves on around me I feel stuck in a vacuum of grief. I can’t release it.

I perform on a daily basis. I laugh out loud. I hold conversation…and then it hits me like a wind storm, the sand biting at my heart…My child is gone. I will never touch him again, I will never watch him sleep, I will never see his smile. I will never lock eyes with him and have the look of pure love stare back at me. I just can’t wrap my mind around something so final. This is not my life, and then I realize this is my life now and tears spring from my eyes.

My love has always been deep, unconditional and pure. If I love you, I truly love you. If I had known the heartbreak I would encounter from such love I don’t know if I would have chosen to love in such a profound way. I fear I am going to lose someone else who lives in my heart. I want to back away and just watch life from afar. As I

try to “just be”, I long for peace. I long to be okay and my reality is…I’m okay, for a few minutes and then it hits me like lightning cracking at my heart, I’m not okay and I’m simply never going to be okay.

Please just hold my hand. It calms my heart…

July 6, 2013 1

At the moment, I feel as if I simply may bleed to death from the hole left in my heart…I just want to cry, but, I don’t have the energy… Please just hold my hand…

March 13, 2013 0

IT

We danced, You died, I cried, It hurts…

November 20, 2012 0

LEFT

A year ago today I laid you to rest…A year ago today a part of me left…I love you forever…

August 16, 2012 0

REALIZE

As I struggle to realize it has almost been a year since I lost you…my heart hurts. It seems like yesterday I touched you, talked to you, spent time with you, hugged you, lay next to you. I can not fathom what my life is going to be like forever without you. It is something I can’t wrap my mind around. Oh I’ve tried, but it is so beyond the realm of my being it is impossible.
I think most everyone has the feeling I should be over it, moving on, etc. I have to be honest that is never going to happen. I am clinging to dear life here. I am holding on to whatever I can grasp and I dig in trying to feel some relief from the pain that has over taken my soul. I love to much, I know this, but I am having the hardest time trying to change who I am.
The cold hard reality is… I will forever be me…without you…I have no idea who I am…

July 22, 2012 0