Locked in a prison of grief. Vice gripes hold my heart. I move about in a whirl of nothing. I try not to feel sorry for myself. But when I consciously think about it I shut it off. I want to be okay, it will never be. A waterfall
of tears flow daily. Will I ever be ok? I have not a glimpse of the answer. Peace don’t step on my heart.
Depression, oh the dark evil word no one wants to utter. Not until someone can handle no more and they feel pressed against a wall with no other option then to just not “be” anymore.
It is like fighting something so huge it overtakes not only your mind, but your soul. You become physically exhausted from the battle smoldering in your brain. Before you can grasp your footing you are consumed with an evil force words can not explain.
You don’t want to feel darkness, you truly are grasping at whatever you can to take you out of this dark place. Depression is like a vice grip on the mind and soul. It will squeeze until you literally can not function. It is very hard to face the reality you can’t just be “happy”. The thought becomes overwhelming. You find yourself sinking into a darkness you can’t explain, you can’t climb out of, you can’t control. It is an evil with tentacles of inescapable force that grip your mind and your soul.
Darkness is exhausting. You know “it” is coming like a tsunami. You can feel the rush flooding through your entire body. There is truly no escape. You can feel the roar of the sea of darkness in your ear, but you have no wisdom on how to muffle the sound or escape the force. You brace yourself as you know “it” is rushing to your soul. You learn through the years how to navigate the waves. You fight with all your being to keep your mind and body as your own. To others you appear happy and content, but inside you are twisted and broken.
Depression is a beast. Everyday you fight to save your mind and soul….To save your “life”…
We drove to the airport. We talked about everything. You unloaded my suitcase. We hugged goodbye. I turned around to say “I love you”. You waved as you drove away. Jack and I jumped on a plane to go see our Minnesota Family.
We woke up in Minnesota. Life was beautiful. We sat down for lunch. We laughed. Your dad called from Texas. You were gone. My life changed forever. I will miss you forever. I will love you for eternity…
Everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday. You are not alone. I know it’s not profound or new or anything spectacular, but it is something I am trying to embracing in order to find my happiness. “I want…” has been the number one word in my vocabulary for the past thirty-one months. It’s not always about what I want. Life has thrown me a curve ball and I caught it full on. I have honestly had no idea what to do with it since the day I caught it. It ripped through my glove and landed in the center of my heart. I was devastated and in a total state of shock. So, I left the game. Walked off. When I left the game, I left behind the core of my joy. I left behind my soul. My amazing wonderful life…
I am on a journey. A journey to embrace the joy in my life right now. A journey to be a good Mom to Jack and Eric right now. To be a fun, loving, understanding friend right now. To love my mother, right now. To embrace being a happy, comforting and loving Wife, right now. To be the Ginga Conner loves. To be a comforting, supportive Aunt, right now. To be there for my family full on head first full of love!
I am famous for saying, “life is short“, and yet I have been letting life take me on a roller coaster with no brakes. I have not been “living”. I have simply been reacting, doing as little as possible to make the day go by. My eyes have no sparkle. I want my sparkle back. Life is about ups and downs, some we can control others we can’t. Digging deep to be happy can be hard, but it can be done.
The one thing I know is you have to ‘want to’.
I control so much more than I ever knew. I have floated through life having a great time, loving every minute of it. Hitting a bump here and there along the way. Dusting myself off and moving forward. I was not prepared at all for losing my child, no one EVER is. Bobby knows how much I loved him, how I cherished him to the core of my soul. I know this. With this fact comes a peace I should embrace. I am lucky, some can’t say the same when they loose a loved one. I have no regrets. I loved him unconditionally and he knew it.
My other children deserve the same. They deserve a mother and Ginga who is present completely engaged in their lives. My friends and family deserve the same. It’s my job to find my way back. It’s not a long journey, because I truly know who I am.
My life is a journey. With grace, love and understanding I intend to enjoy it and love as big as I can in the process.
It’s been 29 months since you left this earth. My heart feels like it was yesterday. I miss you Bobber…there are no words to describe the pain in my soul…it’s just empty…I love you forever and I’ll miss you for always…