I celebrated my son’s 30th birthday without him. My heart aches. My soul spins. My mind is numb. He’s gone. I feel a void so deep there are no words.
The reality, my reality… I will spend the rest of my life without him…
Must have for me!!!
My heart is tired. My soul is broken. Finding my way back has been a challenge I’m not sure I’m up too. I just want to “be”. In the grand scheme of things, if there is such, I would like to be directed to a road less traveled. I want a destination where you can see the end. I want a light at the end of the tunnel. I want everyday to be the same. I want to celebrate nothing, I just want to “be”…. Out of the darkness into the light…
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 890 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 15 trips to carry that many people.
Locked in a prison of grief. Vice gripes hold my heart. I move about in a whirl of nothing. I try not to feel sorry for myself. But when I consciously think about it I shut it off. I want to be okay, it will never be. A waterfall
of tears flow daily. Will I ever be ok? I have not a glimpse of the answer. Peace don’t step on my heart.
Depression, oh the dark evil word no one wants to utter. Not until someone can handle no more and they feel pressed against a wall with no other option then to just not “be” anymore.
It is like fighting something so huge it overtakes not only your mind, but your soul. You become physically exhausted from the battle smoldering in your brain. Before you can grasp your footing you are consumed with an evil force words can not explain.
You don’t want to feel darkness, you truly are grasping at whatever you can to take you out of this dark place. Depression is like a vice grip on the mind and soul. It will squeeze until you literally can not function. It is very hard to face the reality you can’t just be “happy”. The thought becomes overwhelming. You find yourself sinking into a darkness you can’t explain, you can’t climb out of, you can’t control. It is an evil with tentacles of inescapable force that grip your mind and your soul.
Darkness is exhausting. You know “it” is coming like a tsunami. You can feel the rush flooding through your entire body. There is truly no escape. You can feel the roar of the sea of darkness in your ear, but you have no wisdom on how to muffle the sound or escape the force. You brace yourself as you know “it” is rushing to your soul. You learn through the years how to navigate the waves. You fight with all your being to keep your mind and body as your own. To others you appear happy and content, but inside you are twisted and broken.
Depression is a beast. Everyday you fight to save your mind and soul….To save your “life”…
RIP Robin Williams…Hugs to your family…
We drove to the airport. We talked about everything. You unloaded my suitcase. We hugged goodbye. I turned around to say “I love you”. You waved as you drove away. Jack and I jumped on a plane to go see our Minnesota Family.
We woke up in Minnesota. Life was beautiful. We sat down for lunch. We laughed. Your dad called from Texas. You were gone. My life changed forever. I will miss you forever. I will love you for eternity…