I am sad.

I am scared.

I am broken.

I feel alone.

I feel betrayed.

I don’t know.

I don’t trust.

Today I’m just sad. I feel the salt burn from tears on my cheeks. The rush in my soul is overwhelming. Chocked.

If life was easy would any of us live? Would we hold each other or watch as one another pass through?

There is really no meaning, no purpose. We just are.

If only we loved as much as we feel. The difference would be profound…

We trust, we hurt. If we did not trust maybe we would not hurt…

Dear Bobber,

You left to go to work. Like any other day. You did not go to work like every other day. You were circling the drain. I knew you were really white knuckling life. I could not fix it. I could not get in your head. The vice grips holding my boy hostage were stronger than I could imagine.

You wanted to disappear. You wanted not to feel. You wanted to be alone. I get all those things, but I couldn’t let go. When it was very apparent you were not coming home, I soon realized I had no idea where you were. I wanted to find you, I wanted to fix it. You wanted none of it.

Never had I not known where you were or how to find you. I panicked. I called, I begged, I cursed. You were a grown up, I was not privy to your business. That would of set well I suppose if I did not have a fire in my soul and the mindset, you are mine. I do have a right. You are my beating heart.

I would not be told no. I found you. I did not care the means I went to dig into your darkness. You are mine.

I was so afraid, heartbroken and felt nothing but total unconditional pure love when I found you. As they wheeled you away, I was clinging to a hope I wasn’t sure was there.

They saved you. They saved you, from death, but not the demons within. Those were not to be reckoned with. They slithered down and bowed their heads waiting to destroy my beautiful boy.

It’s been eight years today. My chest is tight, my heart is rapid, I thought you were going to be ok…

You were, for three more months…

My beautiful perfect boy…

Make me beautiful

Make me free

Move me calmly through the storm as my soul barrels with the passion of thunder. I said, I can do this. I can do this. It’s all mind over matter. I feel I am losing my mind as it turns to matter.