LOST

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

  • Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

AGAIN…

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The holiday season is upon us once again. My heart breaks, I am overwhelmed with sadness. I can feel my emotions choking me. It took everything in me to feel jolly and put up the Christmas tree and decorate for my family. I will get through this, I have to. I owe it to my husband, my kids, my mom, my family and friends. It’s very hard to feel joy when your joy has vanished. I will march through this season with great determination. I will strive to make it the best I can for those I love. Alone, I will cry and wish Bobby was here with me. He was my buddy. I can’t express in words how much I miss him.

I love all of you dearly, You are so special to me. Please pray for me…I need it…

REMINDER

friendss

A friend of mine is coming to visit.  Upon hearing this I was reminded of a very emotional day in my life.  Memories bubbled up like a raging sea.  I found myself trying to fight a feeling I had no idea I would remember  so dark,  so vividly. It felt like a the parting of a sea of good and evil.  I found my place, I found my words.  Now I have a peace.  The peace appeared when I faced my truth regarding that dark day.

Cherish your friends and family.  Hold them close.  When you have the urge to call them, hug them, pray for them…do it.  You have no idea how your presence is needed and what instrument God has asked you to play.

I am blessed.  I will cherish the moment this person took a moment for me.  It literally was life changing.

BALANCE

Lift us up...
Today I was sitting laying here in sadness, Eric came into my room and would pace and walk out of my room and pace and it dawned on me…he is feeling my emotion and I am making him uncomfortable. So I continued to lay here and he came and laid beside me.

Beside me he did not feel comfort so he sat up for a moment, then he got up and again began to pace. As I listened to him move about I realize, I am his everything. I take total care of him, I am his voice, I am his comfort, I am his joy and I am the one who cares for him in sadness. He knows nothing else and I have to be all of those things for him everyday or he is lost.

It’s not a job, it’s an honor and I cherish every moment with him. He changed me the day he was born, made me a better me. At the same time, I changed the day Bobby died and I am having a hard time finding who the new me is. But, Eric does not understand any of that. He just knows his life is off-balance and he needs me.

I noticed yesterday as I lay in bed, Jack came in and out of my room over and over…his life is off-balance too. He should be in his room feeling totally secure playing games and being a kid. He should not have to feel off-balance because I am off-balance. I just need some help figuring out how to get back on balance. I know, time, but my kids don’t have time, they have now and now is what is important. So with my “magic Mom powers” as my kids have always said, I will fight my way back to who I was…one day at a time.

WINNING

I live with great passion. I love with passion and I spew passion. With this same passion I love my friends and family. I will fight for my friends and family with this same passion…have no doubt…I will win…

TIME

 

I want time with my best friend. Time to just sit and talk, catch up and feel comfortable saying anything in front of the only person that is possible with, The Pope.  It’s summer, you would think we would have all kinds of time just to chat, but summer as a mom is busy as all you moms out there know. 

And just a little trivia…The Pope is the REAL Martha Stewart…she rocks like that!

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