It’s a long hard day when the day is long and hard…
LONG
HUG
Dear Bobby,
We drove to the airport. We talked about everything. You unloaded my suitcase. We hugged goodbye. I turned around to say “I love you”. You waved as you drove away. Jack and I jumped on a plane to go see our Minnesota Family.
We woke up in Minnesota. Life was beautiful. We sat down for lunch. We laughed. Your dad called from Texas. You were gone. My life changed forever. I will miss you forever. I will love you for eternity…
Love,
Mom
CALM
As the sun sets and the world calms
Know I will forever hold you in my arms
Your baby face and soft blonde hair
Will always be the memory I share
Today was not what I had planned
With grace and love I hold your hand
Be not afraid you are not alone
The tears I have are more for me
As I know you are now free
AFTER
Heartache is a deep pain. It infiltrates your entire body. Please hold my heart in your hand.
BATTLE
Everyone is fighting some kind of battle everyday. You are not alone. I know it’s not profound or new or anything spectacular, but it is something I am trying to embracing in order to find my happiness. “I want…” has been the number one word in my vocabulary for the past thirty-one months. It’s not always about what I want. Life has thrown me a curve ball and I caught it full on. I have honestly had no idea what to do with it since the day I caught it. It ripped through my glove and landed in the center of my heart. I was devastated and in a total state of shock. So, I left the game. Walked off. When I left the game, I left behind the core of my joy. I left behind my soul. My amazing wonderful life…
I am on a journey. A journey to embrace the joy in my life right now. A journey to be a good Mom to Jack and Eric right now. To be a fun, loving, understanding friend right now. To love my mother, right now. To embrace being a happy, comforting and loving Wife, right now. To be the Ginga Conner loves. To be a comforting, supportive Aunt, right now. To be there for my family full on head first full of love!
I am famous for saying, “life is short“, and yet I have been letting life take me on a roller coaster with no brakes. I have not been “living”. I have simply been reacting, doing as little as possible to make the day go by. My eyes have no sparkle. I want my sparkle back. Life is about ups and downs, some we can control others we can’t. Digging deep to be happy can be hard, but it can be done.
The one thing I know is you have to ‘want to’.
I control so much more than I ever knew. I have floated through life having a great time, loving every minute of it. Hitting a bump here and there along the way. Dusting myself off and moving forward. I was not prepared at all for losing my child, no one EVER is. Bobby knows how much I loved him, how I cherished him to the core of my soul. I know this. With this fact comes a peace I should embrace. I am lucky, some can’t say the same when they loose a loved one. I have no regrets. I loved him unconditionally and he knew it.
My other children deserve the same. They deserve a mother and Ginga who is present completely engaged in their lives. My friends and family deserve the same. It’s my job to find my way back. It’s not a long journey, because I truly know who I am.
My life is a journey. With grace, love and understanding I intend to enjoy it and love as big as I can in the process.
xxoo
29
It’s been 29 months since you left this earth. My heart feels like it was yesterday. I miss you Bobber…there are no words to describe the pain in my soul…it’s just empty…I love you forever and I’ll miss you for always…
AGAIN…
The holiday season is upon us once again. My heart breaks, I am overwhelmed with sadness. I can feel my emotions choking me. It took everything in me to feel jolly and put up the Christmas tree and decorate for my family. I will get through this, I have to. I owe it to my husband, my kids, my mom, my family and friends. It’s very hard to feel joy when your joy has vanished. I will march through this season with great determination. I will strive to make it the best I can for those I love. Alone, I will cry and wish Bobby was here with me. He was my buddy. I can’t express in words how much I miss him.
I love all of you dearly, You are so special to me. Please pray for me…I need it…
REMINDER
A friend of mine is coming to visit. Upon hearing this I was reminded of a very emotional day in my life. Memories bubbled up like a raging sea. I found myself trying to fight a feeling I had no idea I would remember so dark, so vividly. It felt like a the parting of a sea of good and evil. I found my place, I found my words. Now I have a peace. The peace appeared when I faced my truth regarding that dark day.
Cherish your friends and family. Hold them close. When you have the urge to call them, hug them, pray for them…do it. You have no idea how your presence is needed and what instrument God has asked you to play.
I am blessed. I will cherish the moment this person took a moment for me. It literally was life changing.
Summer
The very best thing about summer!!!! BASEBALL!!!! It’s been a long summer without Jeter but I have enjoyed Kinsler♥
Living in a fog as I no longer see my life clearly. It happens everyday and I have no idea what is really going on around me. My life is basically a theatrical performance on a daily basis. When I am happy, I fear something bad is going to happen. Should I be happy? How can I possibly smile when I am missing something so important in my life? As the world moves on around me I feel stuck in a vacuum of grief. I can’t release it.
I perform on a daily basis. I laugh out loud. I hold conversation…and then it hits me like a wind storm, the sand biting at my heart…My child is gone. I will never touch him again, I will never watch him sleep, I will never see his smile. I will never lock eyes with him and have the look of pure love stare back at me. I just can’t wrap my mind around something so final. This is not my life, and then I realize this is my life now and tears spring from my eyes.
My love has always been deep, unconditional and pure. If I love you, I truly love you. If I had known the heartbreak I would encounter from such love I don’t know if I would have chosen to love in such a profound way. I fear I am going to lose someone else who lives in my heart. I want to back away and just watch life from afar. As I 
Please just hold my hand. It calms my heart…
TEETERING ON THE EDGE... 