NONE

I miss you every single day. Every day. Six years is a very long time to miss someone. My heart aches every day for you. Just one more moment. Just one more hug. Just one more peace sign. Just one more minute.

I just want to curl up and sleep. Have my heart stop beating in my ears. Cry. Try to hide my red rimmed eyes and my tear stained cheeks. Have control of my emotions. Turn my heart to stone so the pain can’t penetrate my soul.

I want to stop the feeling of panic. The feeling something is off. I can’t because you are not here. Something is very off. Completely off. I can not even begin to imagine forever. No, I’m just not ready.

Is a holiday really a holiday if you’re not here? Is a birthday really a birthday if you’re not here? Is life really moving forward if your not here? Questions with no answers or the answers are to painful to bring to the surface of my heart. Deep rooted pain. A pain with claws so sharpe with every breath they pierce my heart.

You are frozen in my mind. You are always there. Always in my thoughts. When I move I think of you. When I laugh I think of you. When I breathe I think of you. I feel my insides on the outside. I often wonder if others see how I feel? Am I hiding it well? Does my laughter cover the pain? Questions I can not answer.

My blood rushes inside with no where to go. My mind spins like a top out of control. Finding a new normal is not a journey I can emotionally embrace right now. I need space. I need…I have no idea what I need…I just want my kid back…something I can never have and something I’m very emotionally ill prepared for. It’s beyond my imagination to live without you. I can’t…

This is my journey. I look around and wonder if anyone can hear my heart beating, my blood rushing. This journey has taken a piece of me I fight to get back. I’m tired. I’m drained, I’m angry, I’m sad. Honestly I have no idea what I am. None…

Locked in a prison of grief.  Vice gripes hold my heart.  I move about in a whirl of nothing. I try not to feel sorry for myself. But when I consciously think about it I shut it off.  I want to be okay, it will never be.   A waterfall
of tears flow daily. Will I ever be ok? I have not a glimpse of the answer. Peace don’t step on my heart.

HUG

Dear Bobby,

We drove to the airport. We talked about everything. You unloaded my suitcase. We hugged goodbye. I turned around to say “I love you”. You waved as you drove away. Jack and I jumped on a plane to go see our Minnesota Family.

We woke up in Minnesota. Life was beautiful. We sat down for lunch. We laughed. Your dad called from Texas. You were gone. My life changed forever. I will miss you forever. I will love you for eternity…

Love,
Mom

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AGAIN…

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The holiday season is upon us once again. My heart breaks, I am overwhelmed with sadness. I can feel my emotions choking me. It took everything in me to feel jolly and put up the Christmas tree and decorate for my family. I will get through this, I have to. I owe it to my husband, my kids, my mom, my family and friends. It’s very hard to feel joy when your joy has vanished. I will march through this season with great determination. I will strive to make it the best I can for those I love. Alone, I will cry and wish Bobby was here with me. He was my buddy. I can’t express in words how much I miss him.

I love all of you dearly, You are so special to me. Please pray for me…I need it…

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