LOST

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

  • Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

BE

My heart is tired. My soul is broken. Finding my way back has been a challenge I’m not sure I’m up too. I just want to “be”. In the grand scheme of things, if there is such, I would like to be directed to a road less traveled. I want a destination where you can see the end. I want a light at the end of the tunnel. I want everyday to be the same. I want to celebrate nothing, I just want to “be”…. Out of the darkness into the light…

AGAIN…

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The holiday season is upon us once again. My heart breaks, I am overwhelmed with sadness. I can feel my emotions choking me. It took everything in me to feel jolly and put up the Christmas tree and decorate for my family. I will get through this, I have to. I owe it to my husband, my kids, my mom, my family and friends. It’s very hard to feel joy when your joy has vanished. I will march through this season with great determination. I will strive to make it the best I can for those I love. Alone, I will cry and wish Bobby was here with me. He was my buddy. I can’t express in words how much I miss him.

I love all of you dearly, You are so special to me. Please pray for me…I need it…

FORCED

It’s supposed to be festive, full of happiness and joy. I have no reason not to feel these things but my mind blocks the happiness from escaping to my soul. My eyes feel with the tears seeping from my heart. There is no reason. I am one of the luckiest people alive and I know it, intellectually. Emotionally I can’t grasp it. I don’t have the ability to pull it from deep within and wrap it around my soul. It tethers there, just out of grasp making things seem in a dense fog. My reality is very different from my inner being. I’m smart, but I am not smart enough or savvy enough to make the two connect and give me the electricity needed to have joy, real joy. Forced joy is not an emotion I can even pretend to know what it feels like. It is like a rock weighing down my heart.

In these times of forced happiness, I can love,laugh and live and no one can see the black turmoil within my soul. It is hidden behind my heart which beats blank happiness. If the heart controlled my life it would be bliss, but the soul holds the key. Twisted with memories and choked with emotion…things I’m not to feel, I’m to be the happy one. The laughing one. And…I am those things on the surface, deep down I never expected to feel completely out of control of an emotion I have no control over. Seasons where joy is forced upon each of us, I just want to back away and bask from afar. It’s like a movie played out and my eyes can’t focus on the screen. I hold myself together with the realization that all the forced happiness… “this too shall pass”, and every day life is what I live best. I live out loud!

Gifts don’t have love, the lover holds the gifts. We stray far from a reality I want to live in. A reality where you buy someone something just because you love them, just because they make you smile. A forced giving is out of my realm of imagination. It stands off to the side and reaches with its black gloved hand to pull you into something that was really not meant to be. When I can give love, laughter and a hug…That’s when my happiness overflows. When I’m forced to give something, it is but an illusion of the real me. It makes me feel the darkness seep in and overtake the real me. My happiness is in the fact…”this day too shall pass”.

If I hold you, hug you, laugh with you smile because you make my heart sing. Those are the things that are real from the follicles of my being. Everything else is a forced existence I have to attribute. It’s not me and if you know me, it’s really hard to not really be me.

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