NONE

I miss you every single day. Every day. Six years is a very long time to miss someone. My heart aches every day for you. Just one more moment. Just one more hug. Just one more peace sign. Just one more minute.

I just want to curl up and sleep. Have my heart stop beating in my ears. Cry. Try to hide my red rimmed eyes and my tear stained cheeks. Have control of my emotions. Turn my heart to stone so the pain can’t penetrate my soul.

I want to stop the feeling of panic. The feeling something is off. I can’t because you are not here. Something is very off. Completely off. I can not even begin to imagine forever. No, I’m just not ready.

Is a holiday really a holiday if you’re not here? Is a birthday really a birthday if you’re not here? Is life really moving forward if your not here? Questions with no answers or the answers are to painful to bring to the surface of my heart. Deep rooted pain. A pain with claws so sharpe with every breath they pierce my heart.

You are frozen in my mind. You are always there. Always in my thoughts. When I move I think of you. When I laugh I think of you. When I breathe I think of you. I feel my insides on the outside. I often wonder if others see how I feel? Am I hiding it well? Does my laughter cover the pain? Questions I can not answer.

My blood rushes inside with no where to go. My mind spins like a top out of control. Finding a new normal is not a journey I can emotionally embrace right now. I need space. I need…I have no idea what I need…I just want my kid back…something I can never have and something I’m very emotionally ill prepared for. It’s beyond my imagination to live without you. I can’t…

This is my journey. I look around and wonder if anyone can hear my heart beating, my blood rushing. This journey has taken a piece of me I fight to get back. I’m tired. I’m drained, I’m angry, I’m sad. Honestly I have no idea what I am. None…

LOST

Holidays, they are here. This is the time of year I want to get in my bed, cover up and reappear after New Years…

I had always dreamed of having Sons and I did, I had my three sons. I dreamed of each having a family. On any occasion I dreamt of a house full of love and chaos.

  • Things did not work out exactly as planned. Really not at all as planed. I am overwhelmed with great sadness. I fight for happiness. I search for joy. I move forward with life trying to block the hurt deep inside. I try to suppress my feelings in hopes of making others comfortable. There will come a rage of emotions pouring from within. I must learn to embrace these moments. It’s hard…

Climbing out of darkness is what I imagine it feels like trying to run through quicksand. Sinking, sinking, sinking.

I’ll be down for a bit, I’ll make my way out of the quicksand. In the mean time please say a prayer for peace. Please hold my heart…it’s simply falling apart.

ESCAPE

Depression, oh the dark evil word no one wants to utter.  Not until someone can handle no more and they feel pressed against a wall with no other option then to just not “be” anymore.

It is like fighting something so huge it overtakes not only your mind,  but your soul.  You become physically exhausted from the battle smoldering in your brain.  Before you can grasp your footing you are consumed with an evil force words can not explain.

You don’t want to feel darkness, you truly are grasping at whatever you can to take you out of this dark place.   Depression is like a vice grip on the mind and soul.  It will squeeze until you literally can not function.  It is very hard to face the reality you can’t just be “happy”.  The thought becomes overwhelming.  You find yourself sinking into a darkness you can’t explain, you can’t climb out of, you can’t control.  It is an evil  with  tentacles of inescapable force that grip your mind and your soul.

Darkness is exhausting.  You know “it” is coming like a tsunami.  You can feel the rush flooding through your entire body.  There is truly no escape. You can feel the roar of the sea of darkness in your ear, but you have no wisdom on how to muffle the sound or escape the force. You brace yourself as you know “it”  is rushing to your soul. You learn through the years  how to navigate the waves.  You fight with all your being to keep your mind and body as your own. To others you appear happy and content, but inside you are twisted and broken.

Depression is a beast.  Everyday you fight to save your mind and soul….To save your “life”

RIP Robin Williams…Hugs to your family…

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